


There's a Red String if We Look Hard Enough

by stripped-down-to-skeletons (and_the_devil_laughs)



Series: Falling for Friends [2]
Category: Kpop - Fandom, Super Junior, suju
Genre: Angst, M/M, Military Time, Super Junior - Freeform, everyone is here but the focus is on teukmin, kpop, relationship, suju - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-23 06:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4866983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/and_the_devil_laughs/pseuds/stripped-down-to-skeletons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungmin has always been at the mercy of his own self doubt, and although Super Junior has become one of the most successful groups in the world, it was all held together by their courageous leader Leeteuk. Because of him, the group has done great things, the least of which was being there to support Sungmin.</p><p>The problem with love is that it's hard to find someone to love who loves you back.</p><p>With a love in his heart far more romantic than he ever wanted , and the fear of facing the world without his hyung, will Sungmin confess his love to Leeteuk before he enlists? Will Super Junior be able to carry on without their leader?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. [Prologue: A Couch]

**Author's Note:**

> There is a total of FOUR fics on this site for Teukmin, mine included. I think that's pretty messed up. But I thank you for giving this a read! It means a lot, and I'll be finishing this within the month so please hang on with me. 
> 
> And hey, why not show me some love and drop in a comment?
> 
> *Note: this story features everyone from Suju! But I'm focusing on Sungmin and Leeteuk's relationship.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're as close as friends, they share the same air at times.
> 
> Maybe Sungmin wants them to be more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me! Teukmin is in the works, and they need your support!
> 
> Praying for Sungmin's health and happiness and can't wait until he's back this year!

“ _Teukkie… Teukkie hyung.”_

_Leeteuk stirred, not asleep but not quite awake. “Mmm… yes, Minn-ah?”_

_Sungmin was inches away from his face, and for some reason his heart raced. “Will we be in trouble for napping?”_

“ _No… I'd never let anything happen to my Min… now go back to sleep...”_

_Leeteuk and Sungmin slept on the cramped couch in their studio, and had managed to evade one another's schedules until just now. They compromised by sharing the same small space, and eventually ending up tangled around each other._

_Sungmin wasn't sure why his heart ached as much as it did, why the sight of his hyung sleeping gave him the strangest happiness._

_As rarely as he had time to sleep, let alone reflect, Sungmin thought he'd never feel more at peace as when Leeteuk was happy and healthy. Ever since the accident, every smile and every successful day was a reason to be thankful. A reason to smile, because his hyung was laughing his strange and contagious laugh and so long as he was in good health then that is all that matters._

_As tired as he was, he couldn't quite bring himself to look away from his sleeping hyung._


	2. [Prologue: A Couch]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sungmin's doubt has always been in the front of his mind, but Leeteuk has always been there to fix it.

The stage was theirs. The stage was made for them, so it was time to own it.

That, at least, was what Sungmin kept trying to make himself believe. It was a chant he repeated over and over again in his head. It was the only thing keeping him going, from the recording in the studio to this, their first performance for the world to see.

Their debut was going to be a success, and Super Junior was going to shine. Everyone had the best training and today is the day that they were going to show the world just how hard they worked. Who wouldn’t be excited the day of their national debut?

The answer he kept getting back was a breathless fear that resided in his stomach and refused to move. The answer was  _ _Sungmin wouldn’t be excited because he was too nervous__. Some idol he’d make, he scoffed. He knew what was really going to happen – he was going to fuck up, in front of a nation, and it was going to cost the group a hefty price. The group will be damaged before it even had the time in the spot light that it deserved.

And Super Junior? This was by far the most amazing group of talented people he had ever met, let alone had the honor to work beside. Every single member was beautiful, and every one could put on the best show of their lives. Hell, even Donghae, their weakest dancer (though certainly most charismatic) was the most loving and affection person he’d met to date, and he shined far brighter than Sungmin ever hoped for himself. They deserved the world as an audience, and they sure as hell didn’t need him there to fuck it up before it even had a chance.

“How am I going to do this?” Sungmin said, aloud to the open air of the back alley. The back door let out to a small patio that had a few tables, a few chairs, a gate to pass through onto the back alley and loading zones. No one was there to hear him talk to himself, because they were actually working. Setting up the stage, setting up all the pieces that were going to fall and determine what he was going to do with the rest of his life.

They were working. Hell, even the rest of the members were out doing something with their time. None – and he looked hard for signs of distress – but absolutely none were as anxious or worried about this performance as he was. Sure, Yesung had some jitters, Donghae was doing some meditation, and Leeteuk was frantic running around trying to make sure everything was in place.

But, last time he checked, none of them were on the verge of a breakdown. It was just him, a lonely figure in the back alley of a venue that was about to be packed with press and fans – all of them about to document his failure.

Two hours to go. The suspense was the worst part about this, he figured. It gave him time to work himself into a fuss. It gave him time to feel the weight of a burden he hadn’t known he was carrying. He’d always felt encouragement from his family, friends – hands on his back to guide him and keep him from falling too hard. But now? It was a tightrope with no net, and the weather forecast called for heavy winds all week.

And oh god was it bad, just how shaken he was. He couldn’t imagine that what was about to happen, was actually going to happen. How could he go out stage with this feeling in his lungs? This shakiness in his hands whenever he spreads them open? Just how can he fake the confidence he lacked?

“Well,” and the voice was closer to him than he expected. Sungmin’s nerves were already horribly raw and he jumped, right into a set of unfamiliar hands. Leeteuk ran his fingers over Sungmin’s back so that when he wanted to, he could keep him still.

These hands were firmly on his back, and suddenly there was ground beneath his feet. The pulse in his chest wasn’t just nerves anymore, and it wasn’t something he had the head to explain to himself at the moment.

“Well,” Leeteuk said in all seriousness. “You’re going to take your position behind me, and you’re going to look up and when you hear the music, you’re going to put on the best show of your life.”

Sungmin smiled, and Leeteuk ran his hands down the cotton of Sungmin’s arms. “What makes you think it’s going to be the best show of my life?”

Stronger hands, this time, tugging, holding, grounding. “Because you’re Lee Sungmin. Because every time you perform – in the studio, in practice – it’s your best show.”

Fluttering pulse, restless eyes, softening shoulders under the ministrations of his hyung, Sungmin swallowed his self deprecation. “I… thank you… I want to believe that.”

Teuk was at his side, arm stretched across Sungmin’s shoulders so that when he looked into his eyes, he could draw him in closer. “You better believe it, because it’s true,” and his laugh – the quiet kind that fewer people had the pleasure of hearing – drifted into his next words. “And ah, Minne, I don’t care how long it takes me, but I’ll never give up. I’ll spend my life to convince you of how talented you are.”

And oh god, was it hard to speak over his heart. Too many things were happening, how was he supposed to make sense of it?

He laughed. “I’m sorry if you end up wasting your life doing that. But thank you.”

“Ahh, well I’ll be glad to do it.”

Sungmin touched the small of his hyung's back(because it was a natural place to rest your hand) and Leeteuk pulled his arm to hook around Sungmin’s neck. He pulled Sungmin in, pressing his lips to his head.

Leeteuk never kissed him before, and it was strange and great and Sungmin felt his nerves settle to a low simmer for just a moment.

It was a good luck kiss. It was an  _ _I know you need it__  kiss. It was a kiss that drew him in, planting a seed of affection in his stomach, as deep as the anxiety and fear that was dissolving with every prolonged second Teuk’s lips were on him.

But it wasn’t just in the way his fingers skirted over Sungmin’s shoulder, soft and caressing and gentle like a friend knows to do after a decade of knowing you, nor was it in the words he was speaking: it was in the way Teuk’s eyes sought out his, the way he believed the words he was saying because he was saying them with such openness. When he pulled back and demanded he looked him in the eye, Sungmin thought that maybe he could trust himself enough to get through this. Or, maybe, he could have the strength enough to not hate every imperfection.

“Curtain in one hour!” A stage-hand said from behind them, voice peaking out from the noise of the venue. It tugged at their attention abruptly, the way a kettle going off would disturb ones deep thoughts.

“Ah! Thank you!” Teuk called over his shoulder, and it radiated confidence.

Sungmin waited till the door shut. “Am I good enough?”

“Of course you are. You’re Lee Sungmin. You make guitar look easy!”

“I mean… Am I good enough for Super Junior? The rest of you, all of you, you can just do something – you can sing and speak languages that take me months to speak crudely – you, you act like you are the characters you play, you –”

“I don’t want to hear this.”

“But –”

Leeteuk backed them up and grabbed Sungmin’s shoulders, like a scolding parent. “No, I don’t want to hear this bullshit. Now, I would normally tell you about all that you can do – as your leader, as your hyung and friend, it’s my job to do so. But curtain is in an hour. Now all you need to know – and believe me when I say this as true – all you need to know is that you can do this. When we get out there, you’re going to shine.”

Sungmin ended up ruining his eyeliner, eyes overflowing with appreciation. He had to rush to get it fixed before the curtain raised.

 

 

 


	3. [It's Not a Surprise]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The news isn't a shock, but it's a hard blow that leaves everyone dazed.

The shock came afterward, like a cold draft drifted through the walls, and when it came it shook the entire room to a silence, lingering like high tension from a suspended note on the piano.

 _ _Is this real?__ was the question that silently swept through the room.

But the answer was already there, already realized by everyone  without having to be said. This was nothing like the antics,like the spirit, of Super Junior and their well-meaning but sometimes mean pranks. This wasn't a joke.

The part that was the worst was that  _ _it really shouldn't have been a shock__. If they were honest with themselves, they saw it coming from miles away. But they still had hope in them that  _ _maybe__  just maybe something else, anything else was going to happen. That was the part that truly hurt, the way hope could be so easily crushed. 

Their hope was destroyed the second that Leeteuk called the meeting. Super Junior steeled themselves for the news they feared was coming: that Leeteuk was going to be enlisting. And it was confirmed the second they took one look at him, one by one filtering into the small living room to take a seat before him.

But the weight didn’t strike the room until it was obvious that it wasn’t a joke, not a crude prank that they were going to get on film for the sake of comedy. They were arranged like kids in class, a circle made of locked legs and crossed arms and bouncing fingers on polished tables. At the crown of the scattered circle, Leeteuk stood with a sadness in his eyes that no smile could cover. Masked by the most basic formalities and a curt smile, everyone knew him long enough to know that he was their Fearless Leader first before all things.

All the members sat together, sitting, waiting for whatever was coming. Leeteuk, taking too long to speak, stared at them in a longing sort of way, where every thought was visible and raw. Like the pride of seeing your best friend achieve their greatest ambitions, like the sadness of seeing them part onto better things, Leeteuk said nothing, but everyone heard how loud his silence spoke.

Sungmin had never been with all of Super Junior, his fellow members, and had it be so quiet. It was a nasty and sticky feeling, eerie and wrong, and he had no idea what to do with his hands as the suspense went on for however long. No one paid attention, time as meaningless as this pointless war with North Korea.

See, Leeteuk has a way of talking his way out of the worse. Out of the worse confrontation, out of a bad contract, out of making a bad situation seem worse. That’s why he was their leader, and that’s why when he spoke, he was able to smile.

It didn’t come easy, and the strain in his voice shook with every syllable. “I’m so proud of us,” Leeteuk settled on, looking at his feet for the fastest of moments. “I will always be proud of us.”

And then the news that wasn’t  _ _really__  new came. As much as he drew it out, as quiet as the room became while it listened deeply, they all hoped that something else was coming. It was horrible, but more than one of them was crossing their fingers for someone’s relative to be hurt.

Hope is a thing you do not abuse, and Leeteuk saw that.

A deep breath, one that he wanted to hold on to for ever, and then, “I’m scheduled for enlistment exactly one month from today.”

And then the pause that shook the room.

One month. They had a single month before the enlistment of their enigmatic leader into the army, to fulfill a duty to his country. A duty that has finally reached Leeteuk’s door, crashing down with a loud thumping knock.

The tears were delayed, but when they came they hit hard.

Sungmin was among those crying, though from his place at the farthest end of the small and overcrowded room, he was hardly as noticeable. Eunhyuk cried enough for all of them, sniffling loudly and failing to conceal it within his clothed elbow. Donghae was beside him, resting his face on Hyukjae’s back in an attempt to quell the nervous wracks of breath in the both of them. The couple drew in the eye, and so no one saw Sungmin quietly crying on his lonesome, nor did they see him leave the room.

There was more news to be had, but Sungmin couldn’t stand to listen to it. He couldn’t bring himself to be forced to handle any more burden and not break. As much as he hated it, locking the bathroom door behind him was the most secure he’d felt in the entire past hour (which was arguably the most stressed he had been in recent memory).

  
It’s okay, he told himself. Staring down dangerously unfamiliar eyes above the sink, puffed pink from over drying, he gripped the counter like he does before a concert and tried to manage some strength.

 _ _It's okay__  was the chant in his head, because he often relies on chants to get some control.

 _ _It’s no big deal.__ _It's_ not a big deal that Leeteuk would be leaving for two years in just one month; not a big deal that he’d be on his way to the border, not a big deal that he’d never get the chance to tell him what he always wanted to tell him…

It’s not a big deal that he is in love with him. 

 _ _Wipe your tears, and move on__.

An entire box of Kleenex and thirty minutes later, and he was looked passable enough to leave the privacy of his hiding.

It was a series of moments that felt like looking at a great scene from behind an aquarium glass wall: the rest of the evening, a series of careful words and empty ears for other people to speak through. At least in Sungmin’s case, this was how the night passed. He pulled himself together enough not to be fraying at all edges, but he was anything but present. Pass along hugs, spare a pity laugh for those kind enough to brave a cheesy joke, hand someone the take out they ordered – he did it, and it demanded every part of him that he could spare.

Dinner was way past due, but no one had the energy to cook, not even Ryeowook. Pizza was being dialed in before Ryeowook had the chance to apologize, being kindly seated back at the sofa while Kangin handled the call-in.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, and Sungmin, sitting at his side, gave Ryeowook's hand a soft squeeze.

“Don’t be,” Sungmin whispered, listening to Kangin order whatever generic menu he was ordering for the group. It wasn’t like Sungmin was hungry anyway.

“I still am. We should be eating the very best food, making the best memories while we... still can... and instead I’m too upset to even cook.”

Sungmin held on tighter. He didn’t say anything, because he knew Ryewook was right. They should be stronger for their leader, for their hyung. But they couldn’t be, and what’s more is that they were forcing Teuk to comfort them. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Leeteuk was smiling with the desperation of a man who knows his fate and sought a different one in new religions.

Ryeowook was gone before Sungmin could turn into the shoulder he needed. He’d apologize later, but now he could empty his thoughts onto the coffee table like a change purse. He needed to count his coins, instead of continuing to spend them.

Between runs to the bank and feet tired of depositing pennies, Sungmin caught Teuk’s eyes. Teuk was letting Yesung out of a loose hug when Sungmin looked up. They didn’t have time to share the look longer than a quick second, and it certainly wasn’t the type like a drama. It didn’t convey anything, no plan, no pining, nothing but desperation for a circumstance that could never be avoided. Sungmin’s heart weakened at the contact and he felt a prick of moisture behind his eyes, forcing him to take an interest in the carpeting.

Sungmin’s heart was irrational. It beat slowly, then all at once, like a drowning swimmer being pulled under the sea. He was flooded with fear and nerves and sadness, and he regretted ever leaving the bathroom. He’d give anything for the privacy to grieve on his own terms.

And he doesn’t know why, but he didn’t notice the blackened dress shoes when they appeared in front of his. The hand on his shoulder was a shock, a rush of heat to skin turned cold. Familiar hands faded against his skin like lingering breath on a window, twining fingers through his short hair like lovers do.

Except, they’re not lovers. They’re not anything that Sungmin wants them to be. Sometimes, though, in times like these, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not. It certainly felt like lovers when his hyung took a seat flushed beside him, and it felt like intimacy when he rested his palm on Sungmin’s back – but eight years is a lot to stack misinterpretations and wishful thinking against.

Their relationship was a different question for a completely different time, and a retreating hand reminded Sungmin of this.

Two years time, or more, and he’d either confess or repress. Two years, or never.

Sungmin forgot to answer his hyung. What had he said? What was it he couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around? “Oh, oh I, um…”

“You can cry,” Teuk said softly. “You wouldn’t be the only one,” and he gestured to the rest of the room, all with tissues or a shoulder.

Sungmin has never been able to express his feelings as bluntly as some of the others, and it wasn’t a secret. If he was going to cry, he was going to do it on his own. Not with others, not with a very special hyung, especially not when he needed to be strong for them.

“Hyung, you know I can’t.”

Leeteuk’s laugh was sad, but it was a joy to hear. “Ahh, don’t say that. Of course you can.”

“But shouldn’t you be the one crying?”

There was a knock at the door, but they could hear Ryeowook answer it. Anything to feel like he’s helping the others, Sungmin figured.

Sungmin looked toward the door that led out to the hallway, right where the stair-well was. Most people were gathered there, or in the kitchen, and Sungmin was pretty sure he knew why.

Leeteuk asked for some privacy.

Leeteuk took hold of Sungmin’s hand, squeezing in a sign of solidarity. “They need a strong leader. When the time comes, I’ll cry. I always do,” and he laughed, a pitiful sounding one, robbed of the mania that usually filled it. “Just when it won’t cause others to cry as well.”

“You can always cry,” Sungmin offered. “Honestly? We would all be so happy that you were trusting us. We know you’re strong. There’s no need to prove it all the time.”

“Ahh, Minne. You’re very wise.”

“Maybe.”

“Trust me,” and there were tears claiming their leaders lashes, clinging like spiders to webs. “I know you are.”

Sungmin doesn’t argue with Leeteuk anymore. Eight years, and he had learned to take a compliment, especially from a man crying on his shoulder.

When a minute passed, they were already ushering themselves to the kitchen to find a piece of pizza and company. It was late at night but no one knew how late – if any of them looked at the clock and saw the time, they knew it would be too early to match how tired they were. Phones were turned off and the night passed like campfire stories. It was too early for reminiscing, but they did get some good memories nailed down before everyone fell asleep on spot.

[~]

Sungmin woke up in bed, and remembered Teuk and Kyuhyun walking him through the grey dark hallways and into his room. Bastards didn’t even cover him, just left him in his clothes on top of sheets and fresh linen.

Sungmin didn’t get the chance to feel angry at his sleeping arrangements. The night he had felt like a dream, but he knew better : this was real, he was loosing his hyung, maybe even the group. A war that a nation lived in fear of happening, and Teuk would be on the front lines, at the mercy of events too absurd to be as real as they are.

The news hit harder now that he had a night to sleep on it, and this time he cried. Sitting up, blond hair twisted at every angle possible and the taste of pizza stuck in his teeth, he kneeled his head between his hands, perched on crossed legs, and cried.

Just what was he supposed to do?

Ryeowook brought breakfast with suspicious timing. Just as Sungmin composed himself, a tennative knock caught his ears. The food was delicious, and Ryeowook assured him that it was homemade. Sungmin smiled, stomaching what little he could as he took a bite.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a work in process, but it's definitely going somewhere!


	4. [The Big Maybe]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sungmin is good at repression, but terrible at pretending nothing's wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost a lot of direction with this fic, so I'm pretty sure this is going to be shorter than I intended. Also, I don't think I'm making it angsty enough, am I? Is there enough of Sungmin's self-doubt in this so far?

It would only be a month (at most), Sungmin figured.

It was a long day of schedules and pre-movie-production and Sungmin felt a lot more like a beat horse, still being turned for circus tricks. In spite of it, and a bed beneath his back that was quickly claiming him, he still had the time to think about just that: time.

So, if he actually confessed, he'd have only… what? Two months, _technically_?

Would it hurt only more if by some miracle Leeteuk could return his feelings? He'd be doomed to two months of a real relationship before it was all taken away from him, and what could happen in that time that could hurt them both?

There was so much to consider, and he just couldn't do it. He didn't have time to think about it that night, sleep dragging him into the deepest Sunday daydream before he could think about the nature of life and consequence and action. His dreams were short these days, probably from sleep deprivation, but this one was a _good_ one. A sad one where maybe he was holding Teuk's hand and he was smiling back and the military was already behind both of them.

When Donghee shook him awake, it disappeared in a tidal wave of morning light. “Ahh! Sungmin! Get up!”

“Ani…! Go away!” Sungmin pulled his pillow over his face. “Get your face out of mine!”

“Only if you get up! We have classes!”

Sungmin hit Donghee with the pillow because that was all there was to do, and between an almost-hurt (but mostly smug) look from Donghee and the car ride up to another guitar lesson, he couldn't shake his mood. If he were honest, he was acting like a brat. If he wasn't ignoring anyone who talked to him, he was brooding while he tried to power through his work. He snapped at Yesung when they were unloading when he didn't need to (or even reasonable. All the poor guy did was spill coffee on his shoes, did he really deserve to get yelled at?), and he was more frustrated than normal with his teacher when they went over the same piece of music theory over and over again. It didn't stick, and it probably wasn't going to, and it stopped mattering a short time after it started.

And by the end of it, all he had was choreography to learn, everyone knew he was a landmine today. Word spreads quickly when you get caught punching a vending machine. In his defense, he _did_ pay for an energy drink and all he got was a bruised fist.

But again, he knew he was being the worst person to be around, and he hated how much he was affecting the other members. He caught a distressed look from Leeteuk and suddenly realized how bad of a situation he was in, how much he _couldn't_ be around the other and pretend like the next two months were going to be the worst.

He left the studio before he could practice _Sexy, Free & Single's _choreography, and he didn't care if it was rude. It was better than ruining everyone's mood with his sour one. When he got back to the dorm, his face was plastered with dry tears.

The dorm was dark, but the kitchen light glowed softly around the hallway. It illuminated the

He shut the door, dragging his sleeve across his dry eyes. “I'm acting like this, and it's only been a day since I found out.”

He shook his head at himself, and resisted how badly he wanted to punch a wall. He'd punch right through it, he'd done it before and had gotten into too much trouble to repeat the same dumb mistake.

 _Don't do it, stupid_.

He settled for a hot shower and clean sheets, and was out just in time to hear the dorm flood with the feet of his members. He searched for his watch and saw that it was 12:30 and smacked his head. How long had he been in there, doing nothing?

He heard talking as he got out, but didn't wait to listen.

Sungmin spent a lot of time pretending to be asleep, even as Kyuhyun crept through the door and started playing on his laptop. How did he have the energy to waste when he was going to repeat the entire process the next day?

“You know you're not fooling me, right?”

Sungmin didn't answer and Kyuhyun chortled at it, tired and amused and just awake enough to call bullshit when he sees it. “I get it, you don't want to talk. I don't really want to either, but I will say that… Sungmin, you're a good actor on screen, but in real life? You can't really fool… anyone.”

Sungmin's heart raced, even when he had no reason to. He never told anyone about his feelings for Leeteuk. For Christ’s sake, he mostly suppressed them for the better part of a decade, how could anyone _know_? What was there to find out?

“Fuck, I'm tired,” was followed by the sound of the computer's fan slowing, the lid shutting. “I've lived with you, I've _known_ you long enough to see that _he_ tears you up inside.” The lights clicked off, and Kyuhyun slipped into bed quickly after. “God… 'm not up for… a long conversation right now… g'night Minne.”

Sungmin's night wasn't anywhere near _good._

[]

There were a lot of long days that first week. As badly as everyone was feeling, their schedules were going better than they had in a long time (Sungmin's included: he spent a lot of time apologizing to his teachers and, on one brief occasion, their manager).

Kyuhyun didn't say much, either, which was a huge surprise. Sungmin was just waiting for it to come up _somewhere_ , somehow, and as much of a conversation he wasn't willing to have, he almost wanted it to happen. If it was out of the way, he could at least get Kyu's oddly accurate guess turned into an impossibility. He could discredit anything, right now, and feel _safe_ again.

That talk never came, and by Sunday Sungmin was worried. No, Kyu would never screw him over, he would never spread a rumor (as bad as being gay in the Kpop industry, anyway), but his lips were looser than broken drawstrings.

Sungmin almost rested, _almost_ put away his fears of being outed, but he only had to wait till dinner to understand what was going on.

Dinner was late in the evening because nearly everyone was out till 8. Ryeowook slaved over what Sungmin calls a feast, covering the long wooden table with different, sauced meats and vegetables and soups, and a lot of Soju.

The table was set, and Sungmin realized that he didn't help with any of the preperations. No one seemed to notice as he walked in, though, and he sighed in relief (and some guilt because he really was being rude).Everyone was seated as he scanned the long table. Ryeowook, Yesung, Donghae, Eunhyuk, and Kangin were on one side, while Heechul, Donghee, Kyuhyun, and Leeteuk were on the other longer end. Siwon even joined them, he noticed with a gentle smile.

He didn't have time to appreciate it, his footing suddenly lost when he realized just what had happened. Sungmin's pulse spiked when he realized the only seat left was between Kyu and Leeteuk.

And that smile? _That_ smug, scheming smile said it all.

Tonight was going to be a nightmare.

_Oh god, please spare me…_

“Ahh! Sungmin! Sit down!” His leader called happily, reaching out to Sungmin and pulling him to his seat. Leeteuk patted him on the back, and Sungmin wondered (for the hundreth time) if the universe hated him. Considering he was roommates with Kyuhyun, he was sure that it wasn't out of the question.

“Ahh, Sungmin, I'm glad you're back with us.” Maybe the great divine really did hate him. Kyuhyun stuffed a bite of seasoned rice into his mouth, smiling. “We missed having you around.”

“Ya,” Eunhyuk added from across the table, already with a mouthful of food. Donghae gave a thumbs up because he, unlike Eunhyuk, stuffed his mouth too much to talk.

“It's about time,” Heechul said, like he was chiding. For what? “Hey, shouldn't he be pulling overtime for all the work he's missed this week?”

“No!” Ryeowook giggled. “It's already 9, you can't start work like that. Besides, I made all this food! We need to eat it all.”

“No, I will eat his portions too. Sungmin, go to work!” Kyu added.

“No one's working!” Leeteuk said, a loud laugh escaping him now that everyone was laughing.

Sungmin smiled as brightly as he could, ducking his head behind a rice bowl. His appetite abandoned him as soon as he saw the seating arrangement, but that didn't matter anymore. Just…

… _keep your head down_.

“Ah yes,” Leeteuk said, on Sungmin's left. The room was filled with chatter and lively talk, and Sungmin blended in until just that moment. His ceramic bowl of rice was still full, and he realized how odd it looked to not have eaten anything by now.

Leeteuk leaned in and talked quietly, just for Sungmin to hear. “I've missed you too.”

He didn't squeak from the sensation of his hyung's breath on his neck, which should have counted for something. “I've just been stressed and sleeping more. I'm sorry.”

Leeteuk laughed softly. “I understand, but I've been meaning to talk to you. Speak with me after dinner, okay?”

Sungmin nodded. _Oh god,_

“Good, good, Minne. Now eat, you need the energy! That bowl won't eat itself now will it?”

It was more embarrassing than anything, the way Leeteuk was making his heart thump like a baby bird's wings, all at once, then missing a beat, never quite on time. Never quite calm.

He tried his best, taking small bites of food and adding to the conversation whenever he could. Every so often, Kyuhyun would nudge him with his elbow and wink whenever Sungmin tried to say something.

~

A knock softly tapped on the door. “Minnie?”

It was midnight, again, and still everyone seemed to be up. _No one ever seems to sleep, even when they need it,_ Sungmin thought.

Teuk was at his door, and Kyuhyun was in his bed playing on his laptop.

“Oh! Okay,” Kyu said, springing from his game and off the bed. He grabbed a towel from the bedside and was at the door in a heart beat. “Ahh, Teukie, I was just taking a shower. Need in?”

Sungmin couldn't just _ignore_ how good Leeteuk looked in his reading glasses, and tried not to smile at his now grinning leader.

“No, no! Enjoy, take your time, it's a long week and you won't find lots of time to bathe nicely.”

“Okay hyung. I'll take a long,” and a brief glance at Sungmin, then back to their leader. “Long time.”

Either Leeteuk was oblivious or just didn't care, because his smile remained the same. “Good! Good night.”

And in a quick second, they were alone again. Sungmin was dressed to sleep, but he still had his music theory books and scripts open on the end of his bed, littering carelessly across the pink checkered pattern.

“Sungmin-ah,” Teuk smiled softly, looking at the bed, eyes fluttering between the open spots free of paper. “Can we talk?”

Sungmin swallowed and smiled and patted his bed as an invite. “Of course, hyung… about what?”

Leeteuk took a seat on the side of Sungmin, facing him and beckoning him to the edge of the bedding. “Just… just because we haven't really had the chance. And I… ahh, I have missed you.”

Sungmin took a seat to Teuk's left, facing him in the dim lamp light. “I've… I've missed you too, hyung. It's been a while since we've talked, hasn't it?”

“Yes. I think the last time, I was crying on you.” It was a sad laugh that escaped his lips.

“I spent a lot of time crying, too.”

“You've spent a lot of time angry, too. Tell me, Minn-ah, are you… are you okay?” And the glistening in his eyes, the sorrow in him as he asked, ripped Sungmin up inside. He's hurt his hyung, even without meaning to, and now how can he fix it? Now what?

Now he has to apologize. “Hyung… I'm so, so sorry I'm worrying you… I didn't mean to, but that doesn't make it right… you have so much to deal with, and you have to also handle my bad moods? I'm so sorry. I'm okay.”

“Minn-ah, it's my job to worry. As your leader, your hyung, your friend…” He looked to the wall for a longing moment, to the ceiling. Sungmin was shocked at the tears forming. Teuk was always an easy crier, always weepy at the drop of an emotional hat. It's what he loved about him.

Right now, all it was doing was hurting him. It was hurting them both.

“Oh, Teukie, Teukie,” Sungmin whispered, pulling his hyung into his arms. “Am I upsetting you this much?”

Leeteuk's head rested against Sungmin, snugly, softly staining his skin with warm tears. “Oh god, I should be the one apologizing… I didn't think I'd break down. I'm trying so hard to say something right now and all I can do is… cry?” He laughed, pulling back. His eyes were red, his soft skin streaked with small rivers, but his smile outshone it all, right down to the dimples. “I'm just trying… haha, _trying_ to tell you that if you need to grieve, as I am, then you can do so with me. You've been so mad, so out of a good mood lately, and I'm so sorry that I'm enlisting and leaving everyone after the promotions. Minn-ah, I don't want you to retreat from us… from me.”

“Hyung…?”

Leeteuk's smile was pained. Was it guilt, or sadness? “It's so selfish of me to ask, but please, don't retreat like you are. Please, spend these last weeks with us, working hard, working to make something great before I have to leave. I… god, again I'm crying… I hate to ask...”

Sungmin collected him into his arms once again, rubbing his back and holding on like life was at stake. He knew he needed to do as Leeteuk asked. He can't just pretend it wasn't happening, that by a miracle everything would work out and he wouldn't be enlisting. Who would even dare dream of skimping out on duty?

It was a duty, a necessary duty, to serve South Korea, and they both knew this. They both respected it, but they both resented how much destruction it was going to take on their lives outside of it.

Sungmin _couldn't_ cry, he couldn't do that to his hyung. He just nodded, squeezing Leeteuk in his embrace as he barely whispered, “ _Anything, hyung._ ”

He could feel Teuk's smile against his arms. “Thank you, Sungmin. I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too...”

Maybe someday, maybe somehow, Leeteuk might understand what Sungmin's love means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop a like, or better yet a comment, and you can have all my love!


	5. [A Talk Worth Having]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leeteuk can't sleep and Heechul knows a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to space out chapters but tbh I already have three more written so we'll see how that goes. Please, show Sungmin and Leeteuk some love! 
> 
> Missing Sungmin and sending my good thoughts to him until he returns home safely later this year!

No matter what, Leeteuk was sure of one thing: that he could always rely on Super Junior. Through the chaos and the schedules and the tragedies they were a team, and more than anything else, they were a _family_. Even if Super Junior brakes up, Leeteuk _knows_ that they would all still be family, and that nothing could erase the eight years they produced, toured, sang, and lived together.

Super Junior was like air, like the reflection in a mirror – it was a fact of life, something that would never change.

Leeteuk smiled – to himself more than anyone else, seeing as the house was dead asleep and there was no one to smile for – thinking that at least he had one rock, one solid thing in his life. Thank fucking god for good choices, he's never make a decision as good as auditioning for SM Entertainment in his life. Even if right now it hurt like hell, knowing that in a couple week's his enlistment would be final.

Was he scared? Yes. _Obviously_. No one in their right mind wouldn't be scared of 18 uncertain months, away from family and friends, defending the border of two drastically different countries. Being scared was the only rational, sensible thing to be in this situation.

That doesn't mean he has to like it. He doesn't have to like the state of the world to be in it. He just has to make it work, and making it work seems so much more possible with a family as big as his.

He also knows, just as he can see his reflection and see a familiar face, that he can rely not _just_ on Super Junior, but one person in particular.

That person was the person sleeping up stairs under pink sheets.

Leeteuk really should be sleeping, and he _knows_ it, but that didn't unsettle his thoughts from the deep puddle they formed at the bottom of his mind. He still had tears on his cheeks from asking Sungmin to spend time with their family before that family sent off a member to defend the country. Then there was the movie, then their comeback, then this and that and this and…

And the fact that he was undoubtedly in love with Sungmin. It wasn't a secret he kept from himself, he knew _years_ ago that his dongsang was a little different than his other dongsangs. He just… never pursued it. Never went after it, even when it started turning into love.

And it's not like he's a coward – Leeteuk sees what he wants, and goes to get what he wants when he wants it. Dating and asking people out and falling in love have been second nature that it really wasn't a matter of gaining the courage to ask, just the timing of when to ask.

And the timing for Sungmin? It was never right. It was dangerous, and it could backfire not only on them, but on the group. On SM. On people who didn't deserve to feel the consequence of one-sided love.

He was a leader, not a high-school kid asking his crush out. Unlike the others, he had a bigger picture to focus on, and it was his sole responsibility to make (what he thinks) is the right decision. He couldn't blemish Super Junior's name.

But god, was it hard – he doesn't know just when Sungmin's charms turned him into a lovesick kid, but he can't remember a time he _wasn't_ ill over Sungmin. It's been a long time to keep a heart unlocked.

“Ahh, Hyung, why are you up?”

Leeteuk peered over his chest, over the arm of the couch, to Heechul's silhouette. “Why are _you_ up? It doesn't really matter, I'm just too awake to sleep. Go and rest, we have a show tomorrow. I don't want to deal with a sleepy you on live air.”

Heechul quietly took steps into the living room, stirring a bowl of something Leeteuk couldn't see. “Friend, you're so _rude_. Really, I'm expected to host with you tomorrow? Maybe if you were a mute.”

The both chuckled at that, all in good humor and restlessness and brotherhood.

Heechul sat down on the hard wood floor right next to Leeteuk's head. “Want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“About what's keeping you awake. It's enlistment, right?”

“Yes. No. Well, I mean, it's part of it. It's part of the problem.”

“Oh? There's a problem? Do tell, and start from the beginning, and here, take a bite,” and Heechul held out a chopstick skewered with pork and dipping sauce.

Leeteuk took the bite and chewed, lost in thoughts. Would it be safe to say all that was on his mind? His friend wouldn't just… abandon him for being honest, would he?

He never had before, but these circumstances were stranger, and the consequences could be far worse than any –

“Stop thinking about it, Teukkie, and just spit it out. It's healthier for you if you just let all the shit go and unburden your mind, you know? Trust me.”

Leeteuk sighed. He might as well, right? And he really _did_ need to sleep.

Teuk turned his eyes to the ceiling, to the soft shadows blending into one another and turning into an endless field of pictures and portraits for thoughts. “Heechul, you know that anything I say to you like this, with me lost in problems late at night and with no hope, no answer… you know this is because I trust you, right? I wouldn't tell my problems to just anyone. I wouldn’t just –”

“Oh my god, _yes_ , I know, and I won't go blabbing any of your shit to anyone else. Trust me, okay?”

Leeteuk snorted, laughing. “Okay. Well… it's not easy to say. I don't think I've actually said it aloud, let alone to someone else. It's just… I'm already worried about Super Junior's future, about mine, the country's… I shouldn't have room to worry about other things. It doesn't feel right. Ha,” he punctuated with a dry laugh, chewing slowly. “I feel _guilty_ about it.”

With a bulge in his mouth from an unchewed pork dumpling, “About what?”

A deep breath. A _deep_ deep shaky breath. “I'm worried about things I… things I haven't said to someone… it's important, and it's … dangerous? I guess that's the right word. But it weighs on me, not saying it at all, better or for worse.”

It was quiet, with the soft sound of Heechul chewing his food.

Heechul swallowed, followed by a knowing snort-laugh. “Oh. You mean how you haven't laid out your heart to Sungmin, right?”

Leeteuk nearly choked on the air, sitting up on one elbow. “What do you –“

Heechul pivoted, turning to face his indignant hyung with a cheap smile. “Oh come on, don't try to BS me. And! For your next question, I've known for _years_ that you liked him. It's pretty hard to ignore you constantly talking about him like he's the light of your poor life.”

Leeteuk stared at Heechul, taken so far back that he might be in another country. He just… knew? What was it with Heechul that gave him the best instincts? If it weren't absolutely impossible Leeteuk could have sworn he'd predict the weather for the hell of it _and_ get it right.

“Well then… I guess you already… know my problem, don't you?”

Heechul snorted. “I'd say so. But, if you ask me, it's hardly a problem. Granted, it's a bad climate for any of that gay stuff in our beautiful country, but I don't think I've ever known you to be a coward.”

“Hey, that –” But Leeteuk didn't have time to defend himself, caught like in a beam from the glare Heechul gave him.

“Don't pretend it's anything but that.”

“I'm not _scared_ of him, for christ's sake I've gotten rejected more than enough to not have some tough skin, but if this blows up? What then? Scandals like _this_ not-yet-one are what shut down groups. SM would pull the plug if something like this was _confirmed_ in the public. I'm a leader, Kim Heechul, and I live in Korea, and… and I don't want to ruin anything. If it were my fate, then it would have happened by now...”

His steam faltered when his own words sunk in, and it was like a train of realization and exhaustion hit him.

Maybe he was scared, but maybe he had good reason to be.

Heechul bit his lip in quiet thought, eyes mourning his empty bowl. He sat his bowl on the floor. “Hey, move.”

“Wha –?”

Heechul is a man who gets what he wants, and what he wanted at that moment was a spot on the sofa. He was facing Leeteuk in a second, eyes closed, a smile on his poorly lit face. “Yeah, you're a coward. It's a first, that's for sure.”

Leeteuk sighed, eyes falling closed like weights were tied to them. “Maybe… just maybe.”

“But think about it, hyung. No other relationship of yours has worked out, has it? Your heart wasn't in it, even when you got it. And I can tell, Teukkie, I know how much you heart is in _this one_. In Sungmin. Maybe it's a sign.”

“Sign for what?”

“A sign that this is the right one.”

It was late, and they were asleep when their long weeks finally caught up with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always editing... 
> 
> ... opinions?


	6. [Suspicious Motives]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sungmin doesn't trust Kyuhyun. Or Heechul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I think Sungmin has a lot of pent up anger and suspicion on a normal day basis.

The only thing more odd to Sungmin than when he went down stairs to find Heechul and Leeteuk asleep in each others arms was the way Heechul was looking at him that entire week. Monday morning was spent in the studio for backup vocals, and he could have sworn that he'd seen Heechul rounding every corner. It wasn't until he saw Heechul with Kyuhyun on Wednesday that he thought his world was falling apart.

He asked Donghee if he thought something weird was going on on the car ride to Sukira, and he shook his head, looking up from his phone. “What?”

Yesung was dead asleep on the other side of the van. It was as safe a place to ask as any. “Does something seem weird with Heechul? Or… Kyuhyun?”

“More than usual? No?”

“They look like they're scheming.”

“Nah, they can't be. Teukie would have their head for it.”

Sungmin couldn't exactly explain how Leeteuk was apart of the problem, and he couldn't ask any more questions without it sounding suspicious in it of itself. With a strong will, he was forced to let go of his investigations. It could wait until later in the night, surely?

The answer was a blunt, fat NO flashing in his face as soon as he caught sight of Kyuhyun, Heechul, and _Leeteuk_ walking into the studio.

Just what was happening? They were louder than a crowd of girls, attracting attention and not even caring who looked their way. Sungmin's face flushed with anger and resentment and jealousy and this time he couldn't help but punch something.

That something happened to be the bathroom wall, and he scared the ever living hell out of poor Ryeowook, who was walking in just in time to see how pissed Sungmin was.

“Hyung, are you alright?” Ryeowook said, a slight mania in his high voice as he rushed to treat Sungmin's hand.

Sungmin yanked his hand back, face flushed with anger and embarrassment. Still, he tried to smile (even with the worst pain in his wrist, one he was suddenly very aware he was going to need to use later in the evening). “I'm… yes, yes I'm okay. Hey, I have to leave now,” and he was already angling himself to the door, backing away from the startled and horribly concerned Ryeowook. “I'm doing guitar recordings. I'll see you later!”

He could barely play guitar and his fist was bruising over with more speed than an olympic runner.

Was the whole world going to screw him over? He thought, watching the clock as it finally turned 10 o'clock at night. He was in the van before Donghee, earbuds and music blasting in his best, most polite attempt of saying _Stay The Hell Away From Me._

He had trusted Kyuhyun _not_ to be a horrible person and keep this one measly secret to himself, but who is the first person he went a head and told? Heechul, of _all_ people?

That's begging for a scam, and Sungmin could feel the steam escaping his ears as he rushed up the stairs that night, bursting into their room to (hopefully) catch him off guard.

He was in white underwear when Sungmin caught him, toothbrush dangling from his left cheek and spots of shaving creams still unaccounted for by a razor. “Oh, hey Hyu –”

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Sungmin snapped, shutting the door with a dull _thump_.

“I – wait what?”

“You know what. I trusted you not to go and ruin my life with this _rumor_ you think is true, and you go and tell Heechul about it without a second thought? Who does that? Do you just hate me and want me out of this business? Well?”

Of all the reactions Sungmin prepared for, he was not expecting Kyuhyun to laugh as much as he did.

“ _Oh my god…_ _!”_ Kyuhyun ran to the restroom to spit the toothpaste out, and Sungmin felt the wind leave his sails, his flag drop to half mast yet again.

Kyuhyun came back only a second later, smiling with his entire body as he engulfed Sungmin in his arms.

“Hyung! I don't know what you're talking about, but I think I know _for sure_ ,” he pulled back, hands on Sungmin's slumping shoulders. “ _For sure_ that you've got it bad for Teukkie hyung. I'd never ruin your reputation, and I'd _never_ in my short life _ever_ tell Heechul something I wanted to keep to myself.”

Sungmin was both relieved and torn, smiling but wanting to cry. He'd just confirmed Kyuhyun's guess by not correcting him. “… Oh… thank you, Kyu-ah… I just thought, you were with him earlier, and all week, and I guess I was really worried.”

“If you _must_ know, I was teasing him for being scared of the dark. He must be, why else fall asleep with Teukkie-hyung. There is no sleeping, only wrestling.”

Sungmin giggled in spite of himself. “Oh! That's true.”

“He's a sprawler.”

“And a climber.”

Kyuhyun snorted, shaking his head. “Well, you know what Minne?”

Kyuhyun started up what he was doing before Sungmin disrupted his entire night time routine, searching for his bed time shirt and loading up a game on his laptop.

“What?” Sungmin said, turning his body to always be facing Kyu on his quest for his shirt.

“If you're going to be spending so much time in his bed, you probably need to come to terms with his sleeping habits.”

Sungmin's face went from confused to petrified in a second. A mood could be broken in just seconds, and now he was forced to think about the future again.

Sungmin didn't bother undressing and went straight to lay down. “Kyu, I don't think I'm going to be spending any time in his bed.”

Kyuhyun slipped his shirt on, finding it in his travel back that wasn't entirely unpacked yet. “Why not?”

“Because he's never going to know. I'm not telling him, and you won't tell him if you know what's good for you.”

Kyuhyun snorted loudly. “If you know what's good for you, you'd take my advice and tell him. The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn't return your feelings.”

“The worst thing that could happen is that he'd be so mad at me, so disgusted, he'd tell SM and I'd get kicked out before I could make a big enough of a scandal for them.”

A heavy feather pillow plowed into his face.

“ _Ow_! What he hell was that for?”

Kyuhyun went to him to take back the pillow and hit him again.

“ _Ow! Stop it!_ ”

“Do you really think that low of Teukkie hyung? How could you think that? After all we've been through and all the sacrifices he's made for us he'd turn on you for something as stupid as love?”

Sungmin didn't have an answer for that, and it was obvious to them both when he tried to speak and nothing came out. Just a soft sound of trying to defend himself came out before he sealed his dry lips together.

“See. He's our Angel Leader for a reason.”

“Even if I don't get kicked out, he still wouldn't love me. Not like I want. It would make him uncomfortable and we'd grow distant and it could hurt the others.”

Kyuhyun turned off the main light, leaving the lamp on the messy table on. He sat down, crossing his legs, and started tapping away at his laptop. “We've come back from way worse. Do me a favor, will you? Don't think that you're little crush has the power to unravel the world as we know it.”

Sungmin just hummed as response. That was the best Kyuhyun was going to get, because at some point, a human can only take so much stress before clocking out.

Sungmin stared at the ceiling, feeling more sleepy than sleep could fix, more at a loss for answers than there were possible solutions. Just what does a stalemate mean in the real world?

Nothing good.

A soft knock came from the door, and Kyuhyun was the one to answer it. “Come in!”

Sungmin registered Heechul's voice, but he was already drifting through the currents of sleep.

“Is everything alright? We heard fighting and had to make sure neither of you were killing the other. We still need you for the album, we couldn't just replace you this far into the process.”

“Like you could replace me,” Kyuhyun laughed, distracted by his screen. “We're fine. Sungmin was being horrible so I threw a pillow.”

“Oh? How was our little angel horrible?”

“We were talking and he was annoying me.”

“What about? Sleep habits, maybe?”

Kyuhyun barked out a laugh. “Yep.”

“Hey, hey, Sungmin, you going to brave taking Leeteuk's bed? You know, now because you have to?”

Sungmin woke up, springing to life like the martial-artists in him he would always be, and threw a book from his bedside table at the door. Heechul saw it coming and ran away, letting the book collide with the bedroom door.

Heechul's giggling laughter radiated throughout the hall ways and into their room.

“You asshole! You did tell him.”

“I never told him anything! He's Heechul, he already knows everything!”

Sungmin had to admit, that was a good answer.

“And he doesn't care, you know. He'd never hurt you.”

“He said so?”

“Has he said anything to anyone yet? No, he hasn't. Yes, I'm sure.”


	7. It's starting to look weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A free day makes good memories, but people are starting to notice things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, this story is picking up! And bear with me, I REALLY need to edit this entire work once i'm finished. The first two chapters are horrible.

“Just what are you at?” Donghee asked, the hot sun beating down on him more than the football field (or at least that's what he thought, nursing sparkling raspberry water).

Super Junior was (almost entirely) collected for a day of relaxing from busy schedules, a break that SM found fit considering the fact that they'd be losing their leader and would need the time with him.

Relaxing means, in loose terms, taking a bunch of drinks and snacks to the football field and playing until the other team couldn't ask for a do-over.

The muggy heat didn't stop them either, even when it really should have. They weren't even out for five minutes before everyone was sweat-sealing their shirts to their backs and uncomfortable. The solution was normally just removing a layer of clothing until they reached the last socially-acceptable amount of articles.

Most everyone was on their last clothes-legs, so to speak. Most everyone had a pile of jackets and shirts and socks piled somewhere off the side of the field, in an ever growing expanse of lost articles. Sungmin and Donghee were not among those, but they were dangerously close.

Guilty, but with a muted grin that _really_ wasn't that subtle, Sungmin was glad to see that Leeteuk was down to a skimpy tank top and shorts. He had accepted that his hyung was a lot more than just a hyung to him a long time ago, so he didn't feel too guilty to admire him whenever he wanted to show off his body.

“Me?” Sungmin looked around them, adjusting his snapback to make up for the sun that was hitting his eyes. He fanned himself with his hand, but it didn't seem to do more than make his wrist tired.

“You're the only one here.”

And Sungmin honestly didn't realize that it was just him and his best friend, sitting in the grass with the coolers and snacks. Not until he looked around and realized that Siwon was called to the field, playing goalie to relieve Yesung from all the blocks he wasn't making for the Red team.

“Well?”

“Well what? You're not making sense.”

“What is wrong with you? I'm worried, you're so spacey and avoiding everyone too much.”

Oh. That. Sungmin heaved a sigh that sounded a lot more like a hiss, eying the field and wondering how the Blue team was going to recover. Leeteuk was the leader of the losing team, but he was smiling as he sat on the sidelines during their break, face glowing with adrenaline and good spirit and sweat.

“Ahh, everyone keeps asking me that. I'm just tired, okay? Aiish, I can't keep answering this.”

“Everyone's tired, but they're all out on the field instead of over here. It's starting to look weird, hyung, and I don't want you to feel like you can't… talk to me.”

Sungmin gave Donghee a once over. His pink hair was flattened with sweat, which was also pink. “Thank you, but I'm okay. Really, it's just… exhaustion. I need to work things out at some point but I never get to. Never the right time.”

“Work what out?”

“See? That's a question for another time. A less stressful one.”

“Yeah… yeah, I get it. Just, talk to me when it's a less stressful time, will you?”

Sungmin seriously doubted it was ever a safe time to say what was burdening him, but he nodded half heartedly, taking Donghee's drink and swiftly downing it.

They watched the game for a while, praying for a cool breeze to grace the field.

Sungmin chuckled, crossing his ankles. “So hung, you're out here too, so what does that make you?”

Donghee answered with a similar exhausted chuckle. “Too damn tired to deal with Eunhyuk and Donghae on the _same_ team, that's what. I pity Leeteuk right now, dealing with them! But he _has_ to handle them, I _don't_.”

Sungmin barked out a laugh, throwing his head back. It wasn't even that funny, but you know what? That didn't matter. It felt good to laugh, a resource he's been out of for weeks.

And okay, so maybe he laughed too much, but he didn't care because it had been weeks since he felt so unburdened.

Maybe football is a cure for the blues, Sungmin mused, sitting back up and looking to the field again. He caught everyone's attention with his sudden good mood and he distinctly saw Heechul grin at him and try to wink.

Leeteuk saw him too, and his smile was so much brighter when he caught Sungmin's eye from across their small field. A cloud passed over the open expanse, dressing everything in dull shadows.

“Oh, Teukkie hyung is coming over. He probably wants to know if we're talking about him,” Donghee said, an afterthought painted in humor as he tried not to laugh with Sungmin.

Sungmin pulled his hat down and crossed his wrists over his knees, watching Leeteuk as he jogged up to their little patch of grass and flowers.

“Kids! Stop being lazy and help us! Blue team needs all the help it can get.”

Donghee stood, rising to his war call with a defeated half-smile. “I'll join if Donghae is off.”

Leeteuk crossed his arms above his chest, tilting his head with a smile too cute to be cocky. His breath wasn't caught up to him quite yet. “You can tell him if you want.”

Donghee shook his head and was off. “Hey! Donghae! Get off the field!”

That was all Sungmin heard. He was still on the ground, legs crossed, sunglasses and hat like his last wall to hide behind.

Leeteuk stared down at him with the oddest, darkest look in his eye, one that shook Sungmin so deeply he could feel it in his lungs.

“Min-ah, you're looking well,” Leeteuk finally said, offering his hand.

Sungmin may have sweated himself dry, because that's how his mouth felt when he gave his best chuckle. He took his hand. “Thank you. You too.”

 _You too?_ Sungmin mentally slapped himself for sounding too simple.

Leeteuk didn't seem to mind, and if he weren't so flushed from the game and from the sun, Sungmin might have thought he was flushed for another reason. “Ah ha ha, well it's a good day. You're going to play right?”

Sungmin's knees said _no_ , but any thing Leeteuk asked for he would always try to give. Heart, soul, body, he would always be there for his hyung. “Of course, Teukkie.”

It wasn't a question anymore, if it was love or fate or something like the human heart, Sungmin knew where his home was. Where his soul was. Leeteuk smiles and is happy and the world is full of possibilities. Every stage they'd ever sang and award they won was proof of Super Junior's heart being in the right place.

Leeteuk's team didn't win, even with Sungmin's expert goalie skills and Donghee's long kicks. Nothing was getting past Siwon, and by 5, the sun was turning the sky into milky pastel colors and dreamy breezes, and Sungmin couldn't really believe that it was so perfect.

Sungmin knew deep down that something different was happening, something that showed in every glance Leeteuk gave him as they played their best game. He even knew that this time, when Heechul and Kyuhyun laughed and smiled and looked back on him, he knew that they knew something.

The sprinklers broke out on the field just as everyone was walking up the slope that lead to their street. The cold water shook Sungmin out of his thoughts, soaking them beyond recognition.

“Ohhhhh!” Donghae yelled in the distance, raising his arms up like he won a race.

The laughter was contagious, bouncing back and forth between all the members like much more pleasant yawns.

And by the time he heard the sound of jumbled laughter and slick feet hitting grass, Sungmin yelped as he was forced to the ground by two heavy bodies slamming into his.

“Oww! Hey, quit it – ahh, Kyuhyun?”

Kyuhyun's elbow collided with Leeteuk and Leeteuk shrieked in Sungmin's ear and they were a pile of grass stains and misty water when Leeteuk wrapped a warm, solid arm around Sungmin's neck, his shoulders.

Kyuhyun was able to stand when he got out from under Sungmin. For some reason, some impossible stupid reason, he had his phone on him, and he snapped a picture of the two in the twilight before he ran off.

“Have fun, kiddos!” He said, and Sungmin spluttered, flushed at his informal language.

“Hey, he –”

“Let it go,” Teuk whispered. It wasn't apparent until then, but Sungmin saw it as the rest of the members bounded over the small hill that lead to the street, to the dorms, to anywhere but the here-and-now of Sungmin's world.

It was a stage. Or maybe it was staged. Either way, it didn't make the feeling of Teuk's lungs rise and fall any less breath taking. It didn't remove the tremor from his hands as Teuk pressed a soft kiss into his damp, blond hair.

“Teukki hyung… what are we doing?”

Teuk arranged himself to be sitting just beside Sungmin, leg to leg. Sungmin could feel the nervous energy radiating off him like a water boiler, just as he hesitated before taking Sungmin's hand in his.

“Heechul had an idea, you know?”

Sungmin's heart beat like a sparrow caught in a net. “What was his idea?”

“He said 'you should have a talk with everyone before you leave. A one-on-one. You need to let everyone know just how special they are.' And I would normally wait… I really should wait until the last few weeks to talk with everyone. I guess I'm a little greedy, aren't I?”

“Is that what we're doing…?”

Leeteuk squeezed his hand, rolling his thumb tenderly over Sungmin's palm. “Yes. And no.”

“Hyung…”

“I just… I just really, _really_ need to tell you how much you mean to me. I want you to know how much you hold me together. It seems like I can't say it enough, the closer and closer I get to enlisting.”

Sungmin doesn't like to cry, especially around other people, and damn it if he weren't doing his best not to right now, but he couldn't help how misty his eyes were. He didn't have anything to say, and it was starting to look strange, so he listened, sniffling.

“I keep running the years in my head, I keep looking at my history and thinking how lucky I've been. I worked hard to get out of my house, but luck made me accepted as a trainee. I was lucky to get in, to have good teachers, to have been chosen for Super Junior. I was lucky we survived the first year. But I think that, between all of those moments and the awards and the touring, I was most lucky to have met you.”

Just what is someone supposed to say to that? How can you say it back when it's too strong for words alone? Sungmin _wanted_ to say those words, to explain how much he understood what Leeteuk said and he wanted to cry and hold him close and run away.

He wanted to kiss Leeteuk's lips, to let him _feel_ everything he couldn't put into the right words.

But that's not what Leeteuk meant. Sungmin smiled, bitter and soured at the thought that he might possibly be able to have something with the man in front of him.

“Teukkie hyung, you know… I've said it before, but not directly… you know how much I rely on you?”

Leeteuk nodded.

“I really do. You've kept me on my feet, and I don't know how far I would have gone without you.”

Leeteuk laughed a shy, humbled laugh, like he didn't know what to say. “Remember debut?”

Sungmin swallowed, his memory stinging. “Yeah, I do.”

“You did great, even when you thought you wouldn't.”

“That was all due to a special hyung, Teukkie. I don't think I can claim all the credit for it.”

“Mmm. I'm still trying, you know?”

“Trying what?”

“To show you how amazing you are.”

Sungmin smiled, trying (and failing) to keep the sadness from spoiling it, too. He pulled Leeteuk in for a hug that left them both breathless.

“I rely on you too, Minne.”

All they ever seemed to say to each other was how much they loved the other (even if it wasn't in those exact words).

Heechul and Kyuhyun peeked over the ridge of rolling hills and snorted at the not-quite-a-couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Anything? Please, I really need the encouragement.


	8. [Go Find It]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lil dialogue filler...

Heechul _did_ tell Leeteuk he had an idea, but it wasn't quite the same as what Leeteuk told Sungmin.

 

The car ride up to the variety show was an interesting one.

 

“Go and get him.”

 

Leeteuk kept his eyes on Seoul, it's passing buildings and busy people traveling past like streaks. “Fate says no after 8 years, so I have my answer.”

 

“You never even asked! Why are you so hung up on fate? The only fate there is is the one we make.”

 

“Heechul… everyone has something meant for them. Something possible and not possible. Fate made lovers and partners with red strings for a reason, and you just… cant force it to work.”

 

“Hyung… Look at me. If you believe that sort of crap, then you shouldn't be feeling this sort of thing for someone you don't love. There's a red string buried deep in the sand so you have to go looking for it.”

 

A strung out chuckle got away from Leeteuk. “Ahh, Kim Heechul. You're so romantic.”

 

“I wouldn't be half as successful if I weren't, Teukkie.”


	9. [Sapphire Blue]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a slight anxiety attack. I have a feeling that Minne is prone to those.

Sungmin looked up from his guitar, his hair unpinned and awaiting the stylist to get to it. Super Junior was scheduled to, in just a mere hour, perform in Seoul Arena. Originally, they weren't supposed to be doing any music activities due to their movie contract, but as it so happened, they were able to wrap up filming in just a month. How they did it? No one knew. All Super Junior _did_ know was that they were tired and needing sleep and already off to perform a promotional spot in a music show.

It's a familiar venue, albeit a nerve-wracking one. Sungmin usually took some time to himself before any performance, large or small, and everyone knew this.

So why would Kyuhyun and Ryeowook be bothering him now?

“Okay… What?”

They both shared a speculative look, then turned their no-nonsense. Kyuhyun gestured for Ryeowook to start.

“Hyung, we think you should talk to Leeteuk?”

If Sungmin didn't have an expensive instrument in his hand, he would have thrown something at Kyuhyun. Instead, he just sighed, defeated. “Kyuhyun… I swear, you're the worst gossip…! Worse than Kangin…”

“Hey, I didn't have to tell him. Do you want to know why I didn't have to tell him, hyung?”

“Because it's so… _obvious_! Hyung!” Ryeowook Exclaimed, arms gesturing in wide paths. “I've held my tongue because I thought that you'd come to some sort of realization and tell Teukkie hyung about your feeling before he leaves. We have two weeks left before it's finalized and I just can't let you let this opportunity pass by! And then your enlistment down the road adds more time and I'd hate for you to be holding on to this for so long and –”

Kyuhyun covered Ryeowooks mouth before he could launch into a _real_ lecture, and Sungmin was thankful that he was spared at least that.

“Just, listen,” Kyuhyun started, peering over his back to the hallway they came from. “We don't have time for a real intervention right now, and honestly? I'm not into the whole idea of interventions anyway, but Ryeowook is right. You really need to think about it. He'll always love you, even if it's not in the way you want. Give it a thought?”

Ryeowook looked like he wanted to add something, but resigned himself to a hopeful look directed at Sungmin.

Sungmin thought about it. Maybe, just maybe, they had a point. “I'll… think on it… just, just go please? I need to concentrate before the performance.”

A look passed between them like they committed the worst crime ever.

“Oh!” Ryeowook yelled, tugging Kyuhyun behind him.

Sungmin was alone again, and he turned to his MP3. Setting his guitar to the side, he closed his eyes and repeated a mantra to himself that he'd never before thought of.

 _Please give me the strength to be brave for_ him.

Sungmin drifted off just a bit.

[]

 

There was a point in their performance when Sungmin froze entirely still. No, it wasn't nerves. It wasn't any of the negative thoughts about his abilities as a performer, either.

It was the speech his hyung gave, the one Leeteuk had been practicing all day in hushed murmurs. Finally, through the speakers of the dome, Sungmin could hear what he'd heard only bits and pieces of.

“ _No, I really am fine.”_

Sungmin wasn't quite sure how well Leeteuk was doing, but he knew he was doing better than he had been their past hectic month of never ending drama, and little sleep.

But what was it that shook Sungmin? It was the sight of the beautiful sea of blue that took his breath away. As much as it never failed to shake him to the core, something else hit him in the chest as he took his last bow of the night.

_Teukie hyung is leaving, really, truly leaving. He wont be able to see this sea of blue for two years._

Of all the places for reality to catch up to him, he would never have wanted it to happen on stage. Leeteuk was at his side, holding his hand as they bowed in never-ending appreciation for the ELF. He shot Sungmin a concerned glance as subtly as he could, then looked up to the arena with misty eyes.

“Good night my angels! You'll wait for me right?”

And the answering roars brought everyone shaky knees and wide smiles, seeing all the love the ELF have to give.

“You'll give Eunhyuk much love, too?”

And their devotion never swayed.

Leeteuk cried tears of joy as they left the arena.

As soon as they were off stage, before the adrenaline had time to even barely work itself down, Sungmin was running off to the dress room, eyes bleary and obscured by his hands as he tried to hold out till he had privacy. Had anyone noticed? Was anyone following him? He didn't know, but it didn't much matter when he finally made it to the room with the whiteboard label smeared in clumsy letters for “Makeup”.

He was tearing off his jacket and his jewelry and his headset. Everything had to go because it was strangling, suffocating, destroying him, like he was being smothered by the very air he was gasping for.

Why was he having an anxiety attack _now_? Why not before, in the privacy of his pre-show ritual?

A soft knock came to the door. “Sungmin-ah?”

Why did it have to be Leeteuk who followed him?

Sungmin waited a second hoping that just _maybe_ his voice would do what he wanted it to do. “Ah, hyung, everything's alright.”

Sungmin didn't lock the door, but Leeteuk didn't come in. “Are you sure?”

No, he wasn't sure – he had two weeks, and he was being selfish thinking about how it was going to effect him. “Yes, hyung...” and he worked hard to stop the sniffles from filling his voice, but he was still weak of breath and his hands still shook and he couldn't keep it from overwhelming him entirely.

Leeteuk did what he always did when his mom senses kicked in, and he opened the door. He found Sungmin sitting on the couch, leaned over his knees like a sick kid.

“Sungminnie?” He said, approaching him quickly and kneeling in front of him. Sungmin straightened up to see his hyung. “I'm not an expert, but you don't look okay right now.”

Sungmin smiled at Leeteuk as he took his hands. Even though he was far from it, having Leeteuk caring for him always helped make things okay. His hands were shaking in Teuk's, but his tears were dried. “Hyung, you don't always need to take care of me. ”

“Ah, but I do. What type of a hyung would that make me?”

Sungmin's smile dimmed, and he felt that pang in his chest again, the one reminding him of all the times Teuk had helped calm a member who was freaking out. Sungmin hated to admit that he had his own fair share of incidents that Teuk had to clean up.

Sungmin patted the seat beside him, gesturing for Leeteuk to get off the floor that he littered with stage props and clothes.

“I'm just… very unsure at the moment, Teukie hyung… I've seen it so many times, yet I've never been quite as moved as seeing ELF tonight.”

Leeteuk nodded, swallowing. “It always is beautiful, isn't it?”

“It is.”

“It always is. It's just more special now.”

“Hyung, are you… really okay? I know what you said, but I want to know what you feel.”

Leeteuk's hand slowed, but was steady as it continued a slow path up and down Sungmin's back. “I am… I'm… My only worry is that there won't be a Super Junior to come back to when I'm discharged.”

“Of course there will be! We'll never let Super Junior go. At least, not without a fight.”

Leeteuk chuckled at that. “Then I'm thankful for you. You're the best fighter we have! I hope your martial arts training comes in handy.”

Sungmin blushed at how much he giggled.

Sungmin didn't have much to say to that, not without saying _too_ much. So he said nothing.

They sat there in silence for a while, sharing the same space and the same vague awkwardness that sometimes happens after a sudden outburst of emotion. Leeteuk rubbed Sungmin's back for a moment, and Sungmin had a moment where he really thought that maybe…

Maybe Kyuhyun and Ryeowook were right. And whoever else knows about his feelings for his closest hyung. Maybe he did need an intervention because he was never going to work up the courage to say what he needed to say.

Not when there was still time anyway.

Still, this was not the time and he knew that because he could hear the other members down the hall (was that Donghae and Kyuhyun yelling about socks?) and he knew they wanted to spend time together before heading back to their respective homes.

Sungmin flashed a sad smile to Leeteuk. “Thank you.”

Leeteuk smiled his dimple smile. “Of course. I'll always take care of my closest dongsang.”

Sungmin stood, offering a hand to his hyung. “I appreciate it, more than you'll ever know.”

Later that night, everyone went home after a quick celebration (which was just a couple of drinks in the dressing room before everyone realized how tired they were). When Sungmin got back to the dorms, he was with Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Donghae, and he had reserved to do one last thing before passing out.

He took out his phone and texted a short message to Leeteuk, hoping that he'd still have the mind to confess before time ran out.

_Please get some sleep tonight hyung. Don't worry about me, I'm doing well and only need you to be in health when I wake up. Let me take care of you now, okay?_

He had ten days left, and he knew that he better make them count.

 

Just, what, exactly, do you do with 10 days?

Sungmin had no idea, not a grip on the answer to that question, not even a starting point to answer it. Was it even fair to confess, so close to enlistment? If Leeteuk felt the same way, would only 10 days be cruel to him? And if he didn't feel the same way, would it disturb Leeteuk's training time?

Sungmin clutched his pillow to his chest and curled around it. His heart ached so, it was as physical as being punched or kicked or stabbed and it was worse than any other heartbreak in his life.

“Kyu?”

A small hum from the other bed. “Hmm?”

“If I tell him, is 10 days enough time?”

It was quick. “No. But it's all you have.”


	10. [Breakfast]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sungmin was going to do it, but sometimes it takes a push to do it n o w.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no more time to waste.

The first thing Sungmin noticed was that everyone seemed to just… know. They knew that today would be the day he finally confesses to Leeteuk.

 

And honestly? Sungmin didn't care. In fact, it felt a little good to know that everyone had his back in this and that maybe it wouldn't do the sort of damage that he thought it would do.

 

Sungmin went up stairs when he woke up. It was early and he was still hazy, but he knew his goal.

 

He almost bumped into Heechul, who gave him a once over in the halls and pulled him in for a hug. “Go get him, got it?”

 

Sungmin smiled a curt smile, nodding as he made his way up. He wasn't expecting to be _this_ nervous.

 

Sungmin sat down at breakfast early in the morning, and Ryeowook handed him a bowl of oatmeal. Ryeowook lingered at his side, and Kyuhyun and Donghae were trying not to be nosy and kept their head down.

 

“Ah, hyung, how do you feel?”

 

Sungmin breathed deeply, looking up to Ryeowook. “I feel like I might die.”

 

Ryeowook snorted, patting Sungmin's shoulder and heading back to the counter to prepare the rest of the food. “You'll be fine.”

 

Kyuhyun finished his bowl and cleared his plate. He pushed them aside and leaned onto his elbows. “Hey, Sungmin.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“When I get the room, do you still want your bed?”

 

Sungmin grinned, grateful for the attempt at comedy. “Ah, _if_ I leave, that is, then sure. Why not.”

 

Kyuhyun jumped up from his seat and did a dance that was way too energetic for Sungmin to even imagine doing at seven in the morning. But it put a smile on his face and he was thankful for his brothers.

 

Donghee and Donghae came in at the same time and soon, nearly everyone had assembled in the kitchen for breakfast. They spent as much time as they could together, now a days. Everyone was seated, and Sungmin took his time to think about what he was going to say.

 

“Ah, Sungmin, go and get Teukie-hyung for us.”

 

Sungmin looked up from the table to his hyung. Kangin was smiling a smile that knew too much. Sungmin smiled at him, mouth opening to talk before he was interrupted.

 

Leeteuk laughed, tame and subdued, from the hall way. “Kangin-ah, Min-ah, I think I managed.”

Sungmin didn't want to stare, so he didn't. He settled on waving at Leeteuk's general direction, urging him to come closer. His hair was still long and blond, though his roots were showing. His night clothes were long shorts and a long sleeved tee shirt, covering his body except for his neck.

 

Somehow, he was more stunning right then and there, and Sungmin's heart faltered a second before kicking up into a full sprint. Leeteuk smiled at him, walking and taking a clumsily seat at his side.

 

Sungmin reserved the seat to his right for him, and Ryeowook was very fast at handing him his plate.

 

“Ah, this is nice,” Leeteuk started, praising his plate and then looking over the entire dinner table. Everyone was quiet, letting him speak. “It's very peaceful, and I'm very confident that I will be leaving this team in the best of hands. But, enough of that,” he smiled shyly, cutting off his tangent before it became too heavy. “Let's enjoy! Eat up everyone, today will be long!”

 

And it was a good breakfast – a short one, cut off by various members different schedules and plans. Kyuhyun left first, flashing a thumbs up and mouthing what Sungmin thought was _“just do it_ ” behind Leeteuk's back. Ryeowook ushered the plates out quickly, and soon, it was just Sungmin and Leeteuk, talking every so often about food and plans and maybe the odd mention of doing something together.

 

“Do you mind… going on a walk with me?” Sungmin said, looking up at his hyung with vulnerable, weak eyes.

 

Sungmin smiled gently and looked down at his hands and his drink and Leeteuk stopped talking all at once.

 

Leeteuk answered with a smile just as shy, standing up and offering his hand. Sungmin took it, and instead of letting go, he pulled him. There was something about how firm, how warm, Leeteuk's grip was that let Sungmin think that he felt the same way.

 

Sungmin knows his way around their neighborhood as well as he knows their dorms. He knows the back ways, the more secluded paths and the secret turns. They hadn't said a word to each other until he pulled them to an alley way that was nothing more than the back sides of houses, apartments, with gardens and tall fences and phone wires that stretched up above.

 

Sungmin squeezed Leeteuk's hand, keeping their slow pace going. _Now or never_.

 

“You know, it's always easy to think about, and I've thought about it a lot. I just… it's not easy to think of how to say it now that I get to.”

 

Leeteuk tugged gently at his hand, and Sungmin knew that he could feel it shake. “It's okay, I'm facing the exact same thing right now,” and he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “If anything, I think I would have said that I was scared. But I know I don't have to be, Sungmin-ah.”

 

Sungmin looked at his hyung, a violent thump in his chest. Leeteuk wasn't holding back laughter like he sometimes had to do during camera pranks. He wasn't pulling away or retreating or humoring him. He was pretty sure Leeteuk gave him his blessing to talk.

 

Sungmin swallowed. “Jungsoo… we've come a long way together. We've worked ourselves to tears, to frustration, to hell and heaven. Even during the impossible times that made me want to quit this business, I had your support. And it's always been enough for me, being here with you as we are. But now? Now, you're going away and I needed to tell you that I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you longer than I can remember. I want to be the person to help you when you need it. I want to be with you so much that I don't care about what anyone else thinks or does about it. And I. I just needed you to know, even if you don't feel the same way.”

 

Sungmin waited, staring at the pavement and the stones and the grass. He couldn't think of another thing to say – really, what more was there to say?-- and he could feel the panic start to rise.

 

But then Leeteuk softly placed his hand on Sungmin's cheek, turning him to face him. They were so close, they could hear each other breathe, could feel just how easily their unease slipped away.

 

“Sungmin...”

 

Leeteuk's lips met Sungmin's and maybe it was the most amazing, lovely kiss Sungmin ever had. Even if it was chaste and sort of elementary. Even if Leeteuk had to pull away because he was smiling too much to truly kiss him.

 

His eyes searched Sungmin, hands on him like he'd never want to separate.“Well, that's good, because I'm in love with you too.”

 

Sungmin pulled them into a warm hug, and he could feel the rumble of Leeteuk's carefree laughter through his chest. He squeezed him, deprived of this feeling for so long that he could never make up the lost time. But that was okay – they had all the time in the world, even if that wasn't the case.

 

Sungmin was dizzy, overwhelmed with too many emotions to just name one – he pulled away to look at the man he loved.

 

“Ah, hyung, I wanted to – ”And it was habit, if anything, that Sungmin called him hyung. Leeteuk cupped his face, running his hand through Sungmin's hair in a way that shut him up and turned his nerves into putty and made the world black and white and soundless.

 

It was a real kiss this time when Leeteuk kissed him – lips spreading like they were only ever meant to. Sungmin couldn't tell what he tasted like – just sweet and like the Jungsoo he knew he would always want to kiss.

 

When Leeteuk pulled away, shaky hands on Sungmin's neck, he was breathing heavy and hot. “Min-ah, call me Jungsoo.”

 

Sungmin didn't have a problem with that. He held his hands. That physical feeling came back to hit him in the heart, and he never remembered ever having felt so good in his life.

 

They spent the next however-long (neither of them had a phone on them, nor watches) talking about everything – mostly them and how stupid it was that they waited for so many years, how everyone knows and that it was okay so long as the company doesn't, how it still feels like a mid day dream. Sungmin listened to how much Leeteuk felt for him and for how long, how he never told him because he felt like it might break his trust. He was certain that it might be opportunistic for him to be the leader and in love with his dongsaeng. He was sure that Sungmin wanted a wife.

 

“I was so sure that it would have torn us apart that I didn't tell you,” Leeteuk said, hands clasped around Sungmin's. “But you were always there for me when I needed it, when I needed help for a decision, or when I needed to cry. It's funny, in the last year… I had my ideas, I actually thought you might have liked me enough to maybe not be mad at me. And I was happy to keep it that way, any way. It was good that way until it wasn't. But, ah, I think that might be too sad to think about now, because we are here now. I have you now.”

 

“It's okay. We have time.”

 

They were out for the longest time, so long that when they got back, their manager was yelling at Sungmin for being behind schedule. Neither of them cared, taking the scolding halfheartedly before being sent on their ways.

 

Maybe the next two years were going to be okay.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very unsure of the story thus far??? Help me out?
> 
> ** EDIT Okay, I dragged out the story too far with this last chapter so I entirely deleted it and wrote the ending the Sungmin and Leeteuk deserve! One more chapter is coming because I think we need to see how they're doing. Now, on to editing the rest of it...
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please, comment and show this love if you liked it.


	11. Alternative Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sungmin confesses. Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, i was hoping to write this before too many people saw the previous ending. The other ending (the previous chapter) is not my best work by a long shot and resembled another fic of mine too closely. I've written this, because this suits them far better.
> 
> Sexual content in this chapter!

The morning came early for Sungmin, the first light of the sun peaking through his blinds waking him from restless sleep.

 

While he laid there and remembered what the day was going to be for him, he didn't quite feel as anxious as he did when falling asleep. It was like sleep cleansed him of a certain _something,_ and with waking up and the rising of the sun pressing into the blinds, gave him something in return.

 

And that's the thing: he _was_ anxious – he was a ball of _what ifs_ and _worst case_ and nerves and it all made sense considering that he was risking a lot. But he never had hope before, never a thought that the worst case wouldn't be _the_ case. It was strange and foreign, like tasting a new food and being unsure about whether it‘s a good different or a bad different. Except, maybe, it was good, the way this hope made the knots in his stomach worth it.

 

He stretched his arms, his fingers, his lungs with a much needed breath, sitting awake after lying in his sheets for too long. After all his shows, after performing live for the tenth time and going on a variety show, he thought that he wouldn't have anything to be anxious over, and he laughed at how ridiculous he was.

 

He was up and wired, making his bed and meticulously going over all the details in his room. The sheet and comforter were white and pink, his pillows in white cases. Once the pinches and wrinkles and curves of all of his bed were flattened, and his desk was in order, and he was dressed, he thought that he wouldn't be able to put off his day any more.

 

He almost wanted his day to be a busy one, something to distract him from the insecurity rising in his waves of thoughts. He ran his fingers through his hair, matted and messy and growing out to reveal his dark roots – maybe it was for the best, having this day be a vacant one.

 

An empty day. How else would he want to tell his love he... loved him? There’s no carriages, no roses or time to plan fireworks. Maybe it was all okay this way, though extra time has never been known to help an overthinker from overthinking.

 

Ryeowook was in the kitchen, being the early riser he is, and it was a relief, seeing his slender shoulders as Sungmin came through the door. He was there, that _constant_ feeling of acceptance and comfort that he knew would always put him in a lighter state.

 

Ryeowook was already preparing breakfast, like he normally did, and took note of Sungmin entering the kitchen immediately. He turned a plain eye to Sungmin when he heard his scuffing, sock covered feet on the floor.

 

“Morning, hyung,” he said, stirring something on the frying pan that crackled with a mouth-watering hiss when moved. Sungmin didn't care to see what it was, his stomach turning into a garden of uneasiness. If anything, the scent of food only made him aware, _present_ to the feeling of his doubt that stayed firmly planted in his stomach.

 

“Morning,” he mumbled back, slumping into a chair at the dining table. Ryeowook heard his deflated tone, making a _hmm?_ Sound like he was prodding for more. He got nothing, and with a  sigh, set the burner on low. He stepped away from the stove top, a careful trot to the table to sit opposite of Sungmin.

 

Ryeowook looked at him, a deep contemplative glint in his features just before gently smiling. “So, are you going to say something today?”

 

Sungmin nodded, a _yes_ that seemed to be silently punctuated with a question mark, like he was still uncommitted. He left out all the worry, the anxieties plaguing him much like his thoughts about his role in Super Junior. He didn't say them, but they were evident nonetheless, and Ryeowook leaned forward to place a hand on top of his.

 

“You'll be okay. This whole thing has gotten out of hand and that might make it feel like a huge thing to deal with, but trust me. It'll be okay.”

 

Sungmin smiled, trusting his dongsang enough to know that he at least means well. “I hope you're right.”

 

Ryeowook didn't press it, though his hand lingered like he had something more to say. He didn't, giving a soft squeeze that was oddly comforting, despite being such a small gesture. Ryeowook returned to his feast in the making, his back to Sungmin as they resided in a silence that was common so early in the morning.

 

Sungmin looked around the kitchen. In the morning, it was always filled with the smell of breakfast and the figure of Ryeowook cooking it. The members would come in and it would fill and it would be familiar to see Jungsoo come in at the last moment.

 

Right now, there was nothing on Sungmin's plate except, perhaps, his food that Ryeowook brought to him. What was he to do with a day as clear as summer, and Jungsoo hours away from being awake.

 

His only saving grace was Kyuhyun (a thought Sungmin never thought he'd ever have). Ten minutes after eight, and they both turned their ears to the sound of stomping feet from the hallway. Kyuhyun emerged, dressed, still, in plain night clothes and bed-head to match. He was still rubbing his eyes, trying to smudge away the sleep, when he caught Sungmin's eyes.

 

“Ahh, hyung. [ryeowook and kyuhyun are considered the same age] Morning, morning. Food smells great,” he said, punctuated with a yawn. He sat beside Sungmin, and already he could tell he had something to talk about.

 

Apparently, there would be no beating around the bush today. “Hyung, you know what you have to do today?”

 

Sungmin glared at him. He'd never want to play these games, he'd never be in the mood to deal with this when he's in the middle of a life changing event and a sort-of crisis that wasn't really a crisis and more a matter of bad timing. “Of course I do, _obviously_ I do.”

 

Kyuhyun nodded, trying not to grin, like he was just glad to see Sungmin take action. “That's good, you're finally not fucking around anymore. All you need to do is say, _hyung, I am in love with you and will accept nothing less but your love in return_. And he'll love you and you'll get married and finally he'll stop having a stick up his ass at all times. We all will win.”

 

Sungmin snorted, the rug (pleasantly) pulled from his feet when he expected to be listening to something far more serious and stressful – and he shoved him, grinning all the same because maybe, even if things don't work out, he'll still have a family, a home in people who still loved him.

 

He might not be able to the love his heart craved – ached for, for so long – but he has love nonetheless. He smiled privately, folding his hands in his lap and training his eyes to fix on the point of his feet.

 

There was still one more problem. At least, it felt like a problem, all bottled up inside him for the years he never really thought about it.

 

He had time, so what the hell.

 

“I… how do I tell him.”

 

“You just _do_.”

 

“Yah, Kyu, that doesn't help me.”

 

Ryeowook gathered two bowls from a cabinet, ladling food into each one. “What he means, I think, is that you don't need to be anything but honest. Just find him when he's alone,” and he's balancing the bowls together as he brings them to the table. “You pull him aside, ask him if he has a moment to talk, and then you talk.” And now they were together, circled around food and family and an open dialogue that Sungmin never thought he'd have.

 

They started eating, while he had yet to touch what was already in front of him.

 

He straightened up, scooting in to meet the eyes of his members as he took a bite of the bulgogi, not really hungry but caving at the eyes Ryeowook was shooting him that clearly demanded that he eat the food. He chewed, overthinking every word until he had none.

 

“If I ask him to have lunch with me, would that sound strange?”

 

“No,” Kyuhyun said, mouth covered with the back of his hand to hide the food.

 

“But, we hardly have lunch? It would sound strange and he might be nervous about it.”

 

“No, it would sound like you're hungry and want to spend time with hyung before he leaves.”

 

“But he might be–”

 

“Hyung, really, just ask him to have lunch when he gets up and be nice and entirely not anxious when you ask. He'll see that you're nervous, then he'll be nervous, and then he'll try to calm you and that will just make you mad and the whole thing will be stressful. Just go simple, with food.”

 

And it was settled. As they ate, the quiet room filled with the scent of breakfast and the early morning, the feeling of contentment came over Sungmin. His food was gone, a series of scrapes and trails of sauce across a white surface, left over after a meal that he was lucky to spend in silence. As steady as his hands were when he got up and put away his dishes, so was his heart.

 

He was in love. He didn't need to live in shame because of that.

 

Sungmin passed the morning in a crazy daze that was as surreal as it was vivid – the early morning filled with contemplative silence and the easy eyes of Kyuhyun and Ryeowook as they justly gave him his distance. He cleaned, he practiced martial arts idly, giving warm, though small, smiles to the other members as they one by one roused from sleep.

 

Heechul patted him on the shoulder on his way to the TV, grinning, before pushing him out of the way so that he could use the TV for what little free time he had. Donghae, too, gave him an approving smile and a quick _good morning_ before slipping away.

 

After breakfast, the members that came from it knew just what was happening and maybe it was talking to Kyuhyun and Ryeowook, Sungmin thought. Maybe they said something about needing to clear out, or be kind, or be approving – something that got them along much faster than the mornings usually are, coming and going and not causing a fuss. If it were another time, they'd sure as hell waste Sungmin's with teasing and prodding and good-natured fun. If Jungsoo’s wasn’t nearly up, they'd be having the run of their lives with the endless jokes they’d be sure to make. At least, Sungmin thought, this enlistment was good for something.

 

Everyone had schedules and everyone had to get to them bright and early, with radio shows and filming and contract talks and lessons. Sungmin had his fair share, though those were much later and nowhere near his train of thought.

 

And that's all out the door, evaporated in his mind, when he hears the familiar, endearing laugh of Jungsoo, just up the stairs. All of that confidence, the calm that followed him over the course of the morning, was suddenly a breath caught in his throat.

 

He assumed it was love and uncertainty, but that didn't do him any good in the moment.

 

He continued with his katas, the familiar ones that he knew he wouldn't screw up, hoping to turn that energy into something good. It was like this, in the living room, where Jungsoo found him, peeking around the corner and then chuckling as he entered.

 

“Ah, hyung,” Sungmin said, practicing all the breathing techniques he'd used as a rookie. “Good morning, you're up early.”

 

Jungsoo shook his head, ruffling his hair so that maybe it would stay out of his still sleep-draped eyes. Sungmin likes him like this best, he thinks; this is what he longs to wake up next to. “It's hardly early. But you're up, and I'm glad to see you this way!”

 

“Oh?”

 

Jungsoo chuckled, like he was talking about the one thing he wasn't sure he _should_ be talking about.“Like yourself, practicing around the house. I was worrying about you,” and his hands were on Sungmin's back and it was warm, a heat that he always wanted to ignore and pretend and just _not_ deal with – something he _couldn't_ deal with, not when denial was the only word he knew when it came to this certain feeling.

 

But now, there was _more_. Possibility. A way to not feel guilty about loving his hands and his smile and the way falling asleep on each other is normal.

 

Sungmin smiled, shy and gentle and happy to see an end to the stress he was causing Jungsoo. “Ah, Hyung… you must know, I'm much happier.”

 

Jungsoo pulled his hand back, a hesitant current disconnecting between them the moment they gained their small distance. The distance was short, but oh did Sungmin just want to bridge it again – take hold of Jungsoo's hands, connect them again, connect them in the way he always wanted, when it was late at night and sleep avoided his weary soul because his heart lingered too long on the things he couldn't forget.

 

Maybe Jungsoo could see something in Sungmin's eyes, the way he softened and peered at him through eyes suddenly lit and wandering and now Sungmin was staring and not talking and it might have seemed like only Sungmin's world stopped moving.

 

“Min… are you okay?”

 

And it almost came pouring out of him then – the coil of nervous energy ready to spring and unburden itself of the eight years of pressure it stayed in such a state. But the thump of feet and the following sounds caught him off guard, and they were both looking at Kyuhyun standing in the doorway.

 

“Ah! Hyungs! I'm off! Don't miss me too much, won't you?” And he flashed two thumbs up, eyes briefly meeting Sungmin's before he was off to his lessons. He always came and went like tornado, here and then suddenly not.

 

Sungmin's open mouth gaze stared at the static space Kyuhyun had occupied, before shaking himself from his thoughts to focus. No, this would not do – this open forum, ready to be barged in on, to be taken from the private to the open in a matter of seconds.

 

Jungsoo was still bright, privately smiling the most reserved smile, glancing up in a moment of shyness. “He does make you guess, doesn't he?”

 

Sungmin gestured, walking, because _not here, not like this_. Sungmin caught eye of the time from a clock on the wall, it being nearly 10, and finally, the pieces fell in line and his thoughts made sense. “Usually, he does. He does have some good ideas, though.”

 

“Kyuhyun? With a good idea? I've never heard of this,” Jungsoo chuckled, a laugh softened by the tire and stress that a leader must always be companions with.

 

And it was small talk. There were bigger things on the horizon and they both saw them, and the both saw that the other saw them and it just needed a little _push_.

 

“He has his ways, sometimes. I'll share this good idea in a moment, just give me a second…”

 

Ryeowook was nowhere to be found, the only sign left of him in the kitchen being the covered pots still left on the stove. Sungmin got to working quickly, talking and thinking and knowing just how strange he must look, all urgency and tense energy that had no outlet but to hastily fill bowls.

 

“Hyung,” he brought himself to Jungsoo, food in hand, “have breakfast with me?”

 

Jungsoo took the food, hands sure and unsure as they took hold of the ceramic.

 

Jungsoo knew _something_ . And he didn't know what it was, but he was _okay_ with it. He nodded and ruffled his messy hair, looking at the food and it was obvious, Sungmin thinks, that they were going to his room. Jungsoo followed, the lull in their conversation turning their shoulders tense and rigid and ready to _act_.

 

The door was opened and then it was shut and then it was just them in the only safe room in the house – the one no one was going to go into, and Sungmin was somehow comforted seeing his bed, seeing his things and his own solitary piece of privacy that the world will never be able to take from him.

 

He took a seat at the head of his bed, legs crossed in pastel pink sweats, patting the space beside him in the only offer he could extend.

 

Jungsoo sat beside him, close and tragically _too_ far away. He clasped his hands over his bowl, over his knees, staring off into the wall like it would give the answers for those who quietly begged. His eyes were dreamy and his lips were parted and Sungmin controlled the urge to just _kiss him already_.

 

“Jungsoo-ah...”

 

And those deep eyes, once boring holes into the wall, were locked with his, with no fear.

 

Sungmin realized that he was going to make a great soldier. That comfort turned his uncertainty into a smile, and he looked back to his untouched food just because that was easier.

 

“Sungmin,” Jungsoo said back, leaning into him to bump him with his shoulder. They quietly chuckled, to themselves more than each other.

 

“So… um… Ah, well, Jungsoo...” _Shit,_ was it supposed to just flow from him? Were the right words supposed to be there for him to pull from now that he was here, beside the man he loves?

 

Jungsoo leaned over Sungmin to put his bowl on the ledge of the table, and when he was sitting it was closer, just close _enough_ . He took Sungmin's right hand in his left, and when he caught Sungmin's eyes he shook their hands between them, a small gesture that said _go on_.

 

Jungsoo's eyes smiled, the modest, crinkled smile that brings light to them.

 

“Jungsoo… God, I'm dragging this out, aren't I? I don't mean to, I'm just not sure where to go from here. I have you here and it's quiet and we finally have time and I don't have a clue what to do. It's funny, I've thought about this and I've planned it out and now I'm…. this,” he laughed, hating the way his fingers were shaking and the way Jungsoo must have been able to feel them vibrate in his hand.

 

“As much as I hope you're saying what I want you to say, Sungmin,” he leaned into his eyesight, all bright eyes and hopeful dreaminess that Sungmin thought that he felt Jungsoo's fingers quiver. “Speak from your heart.”

 

And Sungmin's heart drummed inside of him, rising with the heat in his chest that he felt it all tumble and break away. “I… I always wanted to do great things with my life and somehow I did, somehow I made it into Super Junior and I got what I wanted.”

 

He paused and he waited for consequences that would never come. Jungsoo held his hand, squeezing gently, and Sungmin continued. “I got what I wanted my entire life, and now that I think about it, I would have given it up for something I… haven't been able to admit to...”

 

His lungs filled and then deflated. “I'm so in love with you, Jungsoo. I've been in love with you for… for too long and I always thought I was doing you and me and the group a favor by keeping it to myself because that meant I'd never ruin us, but now I realize that I'd give it up, without a thought. I love you. I fell in love with you when we were training… We were constantly tired and scared about our future but you were there with me. I fell in love with you before we debuted and I didn't know it, and I didn't know it for years to come, through scandals and tough times… It was the accident, though. It was that and through praying that you'd live that I found out how deep my love for you was. And now I know what I want and I feel so stupid that it took you enlisting for me to ever tell you.”

 

The silence weighed more, now – hung without word from Jungsoo, without even a breath that Sungmin could hear that his heart felt like a dead weight in his chest. It felt like a cross between regret and guilt, the soft shame that once filled his every thought about his leader that threatened to ruin him.

 

He didn't have time to regret his long-winded explanation, the pressure of Jungsoo's hand wrapping around his suddenly breaking his thoughts.

 

Sungmin squeezed back.

 

Nothing had happened yet, nothing that wasn't made up of racing thoughts and crashing hearts.

 

Sungmin wondered how lucky he must be that the worst thing wasn't happening – that this wasn't a dream, that Jungsoo was holding his hand and not screaming and not kicking him out and that it was _real_.

 

Jungsoo took his free hand and drew Sungmin from his daydreams, into the _here_ and _now_ and it wasn't a daydream when his lips touched Sungmin's. He pressed, slow, soft and Sungmin could smell the toothpaste on him, felt the rise of his lungs in his chest. Sungmin touched his chest, not wanting to break the magic and shatter the dream but entirely helpless to the way his hands wanted to fit around Jungsoo and draw him in.

 

Whatever the world was outside of them, it meant nothing to feel Jungsoo giggle against his lips, pulling away with open eyes that smiled with the warmth Sungmin was sure he'd never be at this end of. Jungsoo's hands were both on him, on jaw and chest and he pecked his lips when he realized that Sungmin was speechless.

 

“Sungmin, do you know how many years ago I would have told you the same thing?”

 

Sungmin smiled awkwardly, disbelieving , though he couldn't complain. But then the implication hit him, striking him and throwing him off kilter.

 

“ _Years?_ ”

 

Heat rose in Jungsoo's cheeks, eyes averting with embarrassment “There were a lot of reasons… and god do I wish I would have gone against them, but we can't think about that, okay?”

 

Sungmin nodded, overwhelmed with the weight of the past years sinking in his chest. He could have saved himself the grief if he'd just taken the chance and put himself out there – if he had been brave, maybe –

 

“Hey,” Jungsoo pressed a kiss back to Sungmin's lips, maybe because he felt just how affected Sungmin was, how much he was mad at himself. “We can't do anything about it, and that's okay because you and me are here right now, and I love you.”

 

Sungmin doesn't think of himself as a weak person – tears don't come easy, just ask any of the ELF and they'd be the first to say so.

 

He wasn't crying, but he was smiling and his eyes were moist and he kissed Jungsoo.

 

Their food was discarded, already at the sidelines, and now there was hardly air between them as each leaned into each other‘s space – their thighs pressed together, leaving only enough room for hands to wander and nothing else to follow.

 

Sungmin dragged his hands down Jungsoo's side, overexposed to the feeling of _having,_ that all he wanted was to be taking. His kisses turned, from soft like Jungsoo, to urgent like Sungmin's every desire he'd ever had, every longing look and late night with dreams that left him breathless.

 

His lips spread Jungsoo's and Jungsoo sighed, surprised, into the kiss that turned from a sunrise into the horizon. Sungmin kissed and kissed him, letting his hands rise and fall along the track of Jungsoo's sides as he moved harder against him.

 

Jungsoo searched for breath, inhaling sharply with every separation between them, when each kiss melded into the next with hardly the time to take a proper breath. He moaned between breaths and they both felt like the other was suffocating them, taking all the air in the world and holding it at ransom with more sloppy kisses and hands that went from distant to _right here_.

 

Jungsoo slipped his hand under the dark cotton of Sungmin's shirt, finding a place against his stomach, dragging his thumb across the sensitive skin. As soon as his hands disappeared under Sungmin's shirt, against his hot skin, Sungmin broke their kiss with a moan so abrupt that he blushed fiercely at himself.

 

They moved from the side of the bed, legs over the edge, to their backs against the wall, Jungsoo pressed up against his the wall at the head of his bed with Sungmin at his side. Now, though, Sungmin's head hung in the crook of Jungsoo's neck, forehead against his collarbone.

 

Sungmin felt the embarrassment in his ears, in his chest – he didn't want to think about the problem developing in his pants.

 

It was so fast and not fast enough and they only had ten days and what is the proper way to go about a relationship that only just started?

 

Jungsoo laughed, soft and simply and gently. He looked like a man who _finally_ had what he wanted, right in front of him, that he was overwhelmed and excited and ready to act. He brought his hands to snake around Sungmin's back, pulling him against him so that he rested chest to chest, head resting on him like it was more natural than breathing.

 

They lay like that for a while, realizing how much they needed the air and the rest and to be held.

 

Jungsoo would hold him still and steady. He rubbed circles into Sungmin's back, tracing idle patterns that turned back into nothing when his fingers tired of constantly spelling _I love you_ on him. He breathed slow and soon Sungmin breathed in tandem with him, and when he adjusted his head to fit most comfortably against Jungsoo, Jungsoo would kiss his ear, the corner of his forehead, anything that was in reach.

 

Jungsoo heaved a deep breath and Sungmin felt him ready himself to speak.

 

“I love you so much,” and he tucked his head close to Sungmin's and he swore he felt shivers run through Jungsoo, felt his heart's pace pick up under his ears. “I've loved you for so long and all I ever wanted was for you to be mine and to be yours. I had my reasons, never saying anything, but I always wanted the best for you. I wanted you to have all that you deserve because, Sungmin,'” his arms drew him in further and Sungmin wrapped his arm around his torso, squeezing in solidarity, in approval. “I _love you_ and I see so much in you and… remember how I said I'd spend my whole life trying to convince you how amazing you are?”

 

Sungmin pulled back, mostly because he somehow knew Jungsoo wanted that. Jungsoo smiled, taking hold of his cheek, rubbing his thumb against his skin. “I meant that – I would always love you and tell you how much I need you, how much you amaze me.” His gaze flicked down to Sungmin's lips, swollen and red, down and then up and then back down again. His gaze filtered down his chest and his stomach and _oh._

 

He kissed Sungmin again, eyes returning to Sungimn's, and the pace, the wetness, the way he turned their heads so that they could kiss as deeply as possible – the way he went from _I love you_ to _I want you_ made Sungmin's head spin with too many thoughts to properly process.

 

There was _holy shit_ and _is this okay?_ And _does that even matter?_ And none of it made it past the barrier of their lips being crossed with their tongues.

 

Sungmin imagined this too many times, with too much detail, and this was by far _better_. It was more than just real, more than just kissing, it was entirely different and aggressive and it melted his will to do anything but what Jungsoo said.

 

Jungsoo moved them, kissing him all the same, and his hands were on places that they'd been before, but with new implication, new body language that clearly read _touch me._ Jungsoo slipped his hands under Sungmin's shirt again, on his sides and stomach and Sungmin moaned too loudly for his own comfort when they rose up his body, slowly.

 

Jungsoo moved slowly enough, just to let Sungmin have the chance to say no.

 

Maybe the first date's a little soon to start things, Sungmin thinks (or… first meal, whatever you'd call this), wondering just how hard it would be to go back to the way it was before. Maybe it's too soon, but then again, they'd been in love for years and they just now realized it. Just in time to fit in an entire relationship into days.

 

Sungmin didn't stop him and now Jungsoo's thumb ran over his nipple, over the right one in a slow swipe that sent small shocks of arousal straight to Sungmin's hips, traveling lower and deeper. He let out a small _mmmf,_ closing his eyes against Jungsoo. Jungsoo smiled, swiping over him again, experimentally rolling his nipple between his thumb and forefinger and turning Sungmin's voice into the most profane, vulgar thing.

 

Sungmin moaned, face flushed from being too turned on, from being embarrassed for being too turned on from something so small.

 

Jungsoo dropped his hand, retreating from Sungmin's body.

 

“God, Jungsoo...”

 

The chuckle that came after was filled with adoration. “Min…”

 

Sungmin's eyes were down, were shy, were unsure and facing anything but Jungsoo in that moment. Just an hour ago, he wasn't sure how Jungsoo would react to his confession. He didn't think he'd be kissing him, nor did he think that they'd make it this far and it was so much that he couldn't _think_.

 

But then he saw the tent in Jungsoo's shorts, and he didn't really care about an hour ago anymore. He looked up and Jungsoo was flushed, filled with that second-guessing gaze that questioned everything and Sungmin saw it go away the moment he kissed him.

 

“… Can I?” Jungsoo gestured downward, to Sungmin's pants and the obvious erection and Sungmin nodded _yes_. Jungsoo moved his hand, a ghost of a touch down the front of his shirt, his waist band, resting in a hover just above Sungmin's erection and he was watching, like the world was gone and all he wanted to see was how much Sungmin needed to be touched.

 

He kneaded, all experimentation and exploration and Sungmin wanted to do just anything because _oh god his hands…_

 

And now they were too quiet – too aware of maybe being heard. They both knew to be careful – care and caution were woven into them like their training had been, ready to break away at a moment‘s notice.

 

Somewhere along the way, Jungsoo decided not to give a fuck – his hand tugged at Sungmin's pants, pulling them down and Sungmin let him, lifting his hips and wiggling and doing whatever made it easiest for Jungsoo to act.

 

Jungsoo was on top of him now, elbows propped on his sides and his hips spreading Sungmin's legs, adding pressure and firmness and halting Sungmin all at once. Halted with his eyes, the way they read him, halted with the promise of releasing the growing heat between them.

 

Jungsoo kissed Sungmin sweetly – fitting years of affection into pressed lips. It felt strange, premeditated – but it was good. “This is…okay?”

 

Sungmin nodded, hands making paths up the broad map of Jungsoo's back, feeling the muscles that worked to keep still, to keep up – he pulled him in with shaky hands and Jungsoo answered with the hard roll of his hips against Sungmin's.

 

Sungmin muffled a moan in Jungsoo's neck – stifling the breathy sounds escaping him as their erections ran against each other, wetness leaking through each other‘s shorts.

 

Jungsoo rolled his pelvis again, a deep motion that turned into one more, two more – a steady pace of friction, of rocking. His lips were open and on Sungmin's neck, his cheek, quietly whining into his ear with every movement.

 

He was talking, too – words like _love_ and _you_ and nothing much more because his head was going quicker than his other head was coming. He was pulling and holding and doing anything to be close, like he was trying to melt into Sungmin.

 

Sungmin moved against him, now, pace picking up now that Jungsoo's arms were shaking and oh god his voice rumbled against the vibrations of his own skin and now it was so close, so near, he couldn't control himself and sounds spilled out from his lips, the ones he tried to keep down.

 

He took a handful of Jungsoo's ass, pulling and adding to the speed that was rocking them into the sheets of the bed.

 

“ _Sungmin, oh, god --_ ” Jungsoo choked out, thrusting against Sungmin in a flash of heat and urgency. His hand dropped, gaining space on Sungmin's inner thigh, pushing his leg further to the side so that their angle aligned just enough to gain what he needed.

 

His hips shuddered, and he gained room enough to look at Sungmin.

 

“ _Sungmin I—”_

 

Sungmin nodded, moan seizing his throat, heat pooling and _jesus fucking_ _Chrsit_ _he's just about to_ \--

 

His entire body curled, coiled in anticipation, rocking harshly against Jungsoo's warm body and then he was spilling, shaking and panting as each rocking motion of Jungsoo pulled waves of orgasm from him.

 

Sungmin's over sensitive body shuddered, Jungsoo still rocking into him with more and more urgency and Sungmin could hear the desperation racking his voice, filling his eyes as he watched Sungmin lose every ounce of control he owned.

 

Sungmin pushed his hands under Jungsoo's waistband, gripping him and pulling him deeper into their frantic motion.

 

“ _Sungmin –_ ”

 

Sungmin lifted his lips to meet Jungsoo's and swallowed his moaning and breathing and everything else – Jungsoo following with an achingly familiar shudder that caught in both of their throats. He rode out the shocks of bliss as they came and went, slowing to an uncertain pace that soon turned into nothing.

 

They sat there for a minute, Jungsoo rested uneasily over Sungmin on the perch of his elbows, head ducked and lungs filling with heavy heat. The sound of their breath as it slowed and evened out filled Sungmin's room, a quiet state slowly but surely returning.

 

Sungmin loosely crossed his wrists across Jungsoo's back, and where they shook before there was nothing but calm and content ease.

 

Jungsoo took this as a sign that moving was OK and that everything was still _intact_ and whole. Sungmin was here, underwear filled with drying come, the same as him, and all was still okay between them.

 

Jungsoo fell on Sungmin's chest, letting himself rest in the comfort of the arms he'd been wanting for so long. Sungmin's legs relaxed, coming to rest the same as Jungsoo as he still laid between them.

 

Sungmin turned them just enough so they were laying at each others side, arm in arm and legs in a mess of lines that could not be untangled, even if they wanted to untangle them.

 

“Sungmin…?”

 

“Jungsoo,” he kissed his temple, pushing away stray, sweat-matted hair.

 

“I'm in love with you too,” and then a sniffle, and Sungmin's heart stopped for just a moment.

 

He wondered why he could be moved to tears – why Jungsoo could be crying when the world seemed to work in their favor just this _one_ time, but then he remembered what was due.

 

Sungmin's arms tensed, holding Jungsoo like the world would have to pry them from him to take him away. He'd always, in the past when hugs and contact were fleeting, wanted _this_. This touch. Jungsoo's arms were around Sungmin's waist and there was no ground beneath them, not even the bed – there was just him.

 

Sungmin wanted to say something, but the only things left to say were truths and those were too much to make loud.

 

Some, though, needed saying.

 

He took a deep breath (Jungsoo tensing just a touch, knowing something was coming). “If we only have this time, then let‘s use it, okay?”

 

Jungsoo nodded and kissed his neck. “Of course,” and his voice sounded tear-thick.

 

“We have little time… but let[‘]s make it precious. And I'll be here, waiting for you, always.”

 

Jungsoo laughed. “You're right, like always…” He lifted himself to eye level, taking Sungmin's hand in his, like a promise between both them. “It's been years I've loved you. I can go through the next two _with_ you, and your strength to keep me strong.”

 

Sungmin would never tire of kissing him, and he pressed his lips to Jungsoo's once more. They were dry and a little puffy and they were all he cared about when he closed his eyes. “I've always been with you.”

 

Jungsoo giggled, exhaustion parting ways for something soft and tender and sleepy. “When did we get this cheesy?”

 

Sungmin looked up, pursing his lips despite the smile that wanted to take them. “Um, I'm pretty sure you've always been cheesy. Me on the other hand, I'm just too happy to be serious. You love it, though. I can tell.”

 

“You're right, I do love it.”

 

And there isn't a lot more for them to do. Now, at least, Sungmin thinks – he'd been so starved of this, the calm of sleeping next to a loved one, that he didn't want to try to make it any better when it was already all he needed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless you, Toby, for helping with this!


End file.
